Wednesday, January 5, 2011


*It's a downer folks, yet, I don't want to post only when I feel inspired. Keepin' it real, just sayin.  *

Yesterday afternoon, I grabbed my Canon PowerShot camera which hubby gave me for a wedding present.  You see, it broke the Saturday before Levi died.  I always took my preggo picture for facebook every Saturday, the end of whatever week pregnancy I was in.  That Saturday, I helped out with the preschool bake sale.  It was very cold that day and I called hubby and son to bring me a sweatshirt to Walmart.  They arrived with a sweatshirt.  Steve had the camera with him to take pictures of the underground tour of businesses, which he and Jacob were going to do, while I did the bake sale.  Our plan was to rendezvous after we were all done for some lunch and browsing the arts fair happening downtown.  Before Steve left, he snapped a shot of me, the proud mommy doing such a "mommy" thing for my kiddo that just keeps growing up so fast.  That afternoon, when we got home, I took a long nap.  I was losing our son at this point, but didn't know it.  The day before, my water broke, but we didn't know that's what that was either.  I kept leaking but the nurse said that I wasn't leaking enough to be alarming and they all agreed my urethra tilted, not uncommon in pregnancy, and I was leaking urine.  So, I carried on with my normal stuff.  I woke up from my nap and wanted Steve to take my weekly preggo picture.  Our camera would not work!  I was pissed.  Not an exaggeration....I was so frustrated and angry that I would have to use my cell phone for that shot and it wasn't as good of quality and how was I going to get the picture in the right photo folder on facebook?  All of these concerns, were very surfacy.  In my gut, I felt it was an omen, an outward sign of my dying baby.

This is the picture exiting 17 weeks, entering 18 weeks taken with my cell phone.

So, yesterday afternoon, I was excited to use my PowerShot to take before and after pictures of my face with Mary Kay products.  I start the camera up, and am excited to see what pictures I can now upload that I hadn't because the stupid thing hadn't been working for 3 1/2 months.  Arrowing back, I realize all the pictures are from that Saturday before Levi died. 

Instantly, physical pain grips my torso.  It's a pain, I've never known until we lost Levi.  I've spoke of it before, in my blog.  For the first 2 months It was constant.  Now, it just grabs me with a random thought or memory, all of them are triggers from the weekend it took to lose a baby and the hospital stay.  I woke up many times through the night with the pain.  It's like I want to wrap ace bandage upon ace bandage around my torso to stop my flesh and muscles and bones from unraveling.  This morning, the pain is dull.  All my muscles are terribly sore from how tight the pain was. 

I had a fun time that day, doing my mommy thing.  I was just exhausted when it was over. 

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