Monday, January 24, 2011


What's in a name?  You, who "Joined - Gift from God".  My life has forever been changed.  I've now been without you for as long as you were with me. It's 18 weeks ago today since I saw your feet & hand prints.  18 weeks ago today we named you on Melrose Avenue heading towards the hospital.  I used to drive that street to get to where your daddy lived, when we first started dating. 

When you were 16 weeks, growing inside of me, I saw you on that black and white fuzzy screen and I saw you were a boy.  You looked so healthy.  You were calm, cool and collected.  You smiled for the camera on that day- I discovered 2 weeks later.  When I got home, after learning we would have another son, I remember laying on my left side, on my bed.  My heart was troubled to get the perfect name.  I asked God, "What should his name be?"  I closed my eyes and the name "Levi" appeared on the screens of my eyelids.  The pressing to have your name made so much sense two weeks later.  I loved it.  Levi.  LEVI. What a simple, strong name.  Seeing and saying your name, brings that pang that I will never call you to come eat lunch or say your name on the phone when you may have been at Grandma's house, and I call to check-in.

I will keep saying your name, under my own breath.  Cuz no one else does.  I don't blame them - they didn't know you.  I can't sleep this night.  I'm aching.  I still get mad that each day goes so fast and gets further away from when you left.  I don't know if you sleep or if you're awake.  Just know that I'm so grateful you Joined us and you are our Gift from God.  I miss you and I find a portion of me is missing too, never to be found again until I'm with you.  In the meantime, I will do my best to fit in and to embrace this night.  It is always darkest and coldest before the dawn of a new day.  Come to me soon new day!

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