Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Thaw

I still don’t know how to process…nearly two years later…

I am hurt because I never really had you.

It’s not just the losing you, but the knowing I was losing me too…That weekend I didn’t know what to do and no one, not even I was willing to make a priority for me and for you. I froze.

That night…the darkest of my life. The beginning of the loneliest of my days, Knowing that not even my husband could begin to feel my pain.

I want to be raw for your memory. For the air I didn’t get to watch you breathe. It’s all quite selfish you see…it’s more about me. Lord knows there are days that I wish I were with you instead of being here for the ones I love too dearly to have to be with me. I started running to reconnect to the rhythm of how I felt, to be close to those days again. Just as time moves on and time heals all wounds, that feeling lasted the first day of my running. The next, that “feeling” was gone and I was focused on moving forward. Is it normal for part of me to not want to move on? Death is a part of life and grief is to not be ignored. The sights, smells and sounds, of this season –my favorite season, remind me of you more. Yesterday, I started crying again about not having anymore babies…but when I really ask myself why I want them….it’s in hopes of finding you….

…. my Angel. My Levi. The name I whisper on my pillow each and every night. I know you’ll know me – just allow me my moments of sadness, for Nothing would be better than having you here.