Monday, November 9, 2015

Inner Child

Between this & that
I ask myself, "Which hat?"
You're known so bubbly and resilient
Today you need to be real about it.
I have trained myself to be what those around me need.
I have trained myself to ignore what matters to me.

It's hard for many, you see
to ask for help and hugs in the midst of their mystery.
Loved ones and well-wishers alike
will express their will for you to just move on.
Because they want what they want and can't allow your life change,
your pain, your pleas to impact what they have always wanted.
You will not be permitted to be a disruption.

........This. Is. Mean.

You see, many of us know there is this thing, our destiny.
We simply can't make out how to get there
Breathe in and breathe out - some days this is a huge accomplishment.
Is there anyone who notices?

I was raised to not draw attention to myself.
"Don't be a prima donna!
You get enough attention as it is.
They spoil and shower you and you are the definition of confidence.
You don't need any of this."
Now, all grown up and grown up for some time, I wonder,
"was it Envy that robbed me of getting all I needed?"

I can't go back and undo it all. I am not one to blame others. It's becoming clear
as I attempt to live without fear that I have more to live for, than a child's game,
being played by mothers.

So right now, this moment, and I don't know for how many more, I am resting. I am going back to find that little girl, who lost her twirl. She was beautiful and gracious. It's time to bring her center stage and watch her transform into a beautiful grown woman.