Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Accomplishments!

My Darling has had quite the week! In fact, my family and I all have. The weekend of Bennett’s first Father’s Day, he cut his first teeth – both the front bottom and began crawling. Earlier, in the week, he figured out how to sit up on his own and put his binky, in his mouth, the right-side up. I have to say this – he is SUCH an easy baby. Of course he looks like a toddler. He wears 24 month clothes. People don’t believe me when I’ve said the past two weeks that he’s 8 mos. old. He travels easily, goes down for naps easily, eats well, plays well on his own. He’s been sort of fussy the past couple weeks out of frustration to get crawling….but unless he’s hungry or tired or has poopy pants – he smiles and chatters all the time. The way Bennett talks is awesome. He growls and he’s loud. He growls when he’s happy or frustrated.

027

I took this pic of him. It was the first time he knocked his basket of toys over. Awwww…

Jacob has had a fantastic week too. Father’s Day morning – Boy Wonder and I went golfing with Daddy.

023

We had a great time and it filled the need to just have our #1 with us for a bit, to ourselves. I miss those times too. He LOVES swiffering. He LOVED swiffering – until I used the phrase, “Thank you so much for helping me with a chore.” Ugh…really? Yep…I really used that word – chore. Ugh again.

Take a look at my garden!

031

I must thin out the broccoli [far left]. I will pick lettuce this evening!

032

My tomatoes are starting to get a few yellow blossoms here and there…

033

The white planter has cucumbers in it. I’m not sure if they’re going to do well or not. The larger pot are my green beans. I bought the small trellises for them to vine up.

Back along the house, I’ve planted hollyhocks from seed. I love the way they look when they’re blooming. I am excited about transforming this side of the house and yard into my “Secret Garden”. I am also trying to grow some Lupine, Columbine and Delphinium from seeds. It takes time ….and much patience, but I have great hopes for this being a very colorful spot in our neighborhood. ….eventually.  Open-mouthed smile 

I am excited to write the next post. We leave this week for a mini vacay to Arkansas. One of my dear friends is getting married. I can’t wait to post pics and share with you next week why and how she became a lifelong friend. I am also excited to share about how a 10 hour drive goes with our two boys. I think it will be great….I’m sure it will be then, right?

To end this post, I leave you with a few pics from the week.

Love & Grace,

Beth

003

Jacob was playing farmer. When I appeared, he asked, “What are you doin’ here, in these parts? I’m from the east and you’re from the west.”

014017

My Darling loves his baths. Smile

018

The boys with their Father’s Day present to their wonderful Daddy.

020022

This is one of those pics…where it’s evident I’m not in my 20s anymore. It’s so weird, how in my mind, I don’t look anything like this lady. ???? But…we had a wonderful morning together on the golf course and I love him so much.

025030

Taken this morning – My Darling and Boy Wonder. We are blessed and grateful for happy, silly, determined, joyful, willful, healthy boys.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Abrasive? It’s not about you.

I wrote a poem....or something. I don't know what these things are called when I let them come out. It's after a life-long series of lessons on being emotionally available to people that don't deserve it. Don't be emotionally available to anyone but God and your spouse....maybe a close, close friend. Truly? Have some confidence that since God made you for relationship and He lives inside of us....that together you and Him can figure it out, move on and be fulfilled. He really does exist and He really is WHO we need. Only He knows all that we're capable of as individuals and can lead us to carry it out. Humans are not capable of this kind of love. I have been a fool to keep thinking and waiting and hoping they are - no matter what "position" they hold in your life. I was inspired to title this one "Worthy". A friend sent me a charm after Levi died. I would stare at it and not get it. I knew she was trying to tell me I'm worthy. But I really didn't get it. After starting this piece over a year ago....it flowed and came out and finished very easily this morning. It flowed out as if Eminem was throwing out the lyric.......it's not enjoyable, but it is freeing for me. I get it now.

Worthy

Just one beat and you dance to their tune. You don't know you, more than they do. Cut your strings, quit acting to keep the show on. You are worthy to live and to truly be who- YOU- are. No more threats or drama, no more lies or twisting. If you can't know you're worthy, no one else will! Love yourself, it's no one's job but yours. They don't like your dreams? your personality? your choices for happiness? A no-drama mess? Too bad! The only thing thicker than blood is the crap they choose to swim in. Get out! Quit waiting, and wishing and hoping they'll be different. They're not and you are- so quit fearin' and allowin' yourself to be stuck there with them. Stop sharing your problems and being vulnerable to them. They're vultures. Their mind games will chew through your guts and flesh, in order to scavenge your harvest. Just cuz they don't know how to love what is good for them, doesn't mean you should repeat the same cycle over. They already know that you love them. While it's not enough, they're about to learn that you've become indifferent and you're as good as gone. Love yourself. God is big in all of us and life is greater than what it has seemed. Go in peace, keep your heart clean, don't look back, and run with the wind baby. You are worthy to be free.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

boho baby bump: Heart Talk: Pregnancy after Miscarriage

My Readers, I read this post [in the title of my post, see link at bottom] last week and have been processing and finding freedom through the whole week as I reflect on this blogger's [boho baby bump's] similar thoughts. It's a heavy topic...but a real topic.
I went through such a long, dry spell for blogging because of this very topic...and then My Darling was born, after the pregnancy after a miscarriage and I allowed myself to finally join the club of thousands of women that clam up and guard. I don't know why so many women deal this way. I was so afraid of what people would think if I shared my heart on the matter. I have friends that can't have babies, and I was always afraid of offending them. I remember after I lost Levi, reading friend's facebook statuses that were complaining because of the discomfort of their pregnancy. I remember being mad at them and truly wanting to tell them to shut the eff up and just be grateful. Guess what? I got pregnant again and then I wrote one or two facebook statuses about the discomfort of pregnancy. Then, one or two more, after I got My Darling home about how I needed sleep. It's life. I can't be sensitive to all, neither can you. Even when I am doing my very best, I find out I offend someone. I wish now, I had blogged about the fight more within me, during Bennett's pregnancy. I wish I had been as transparent about his birth, but I was angry too...I knew it would border on hurting people that I love, when they were just living their lives too.
Bennett's birth was rather traumatic, for me. I won't relive all the details, because it's still a raw place for me. My surgeon wasn't discreet or kind in her delivery. Basically, Bennett's premature arrival by 5 weeks pretty much saved my life. The surgeon was very clear that he was making an arrival because my uterus was on the verge of bursting with any more contractions. Suffice it to say, the surgeon made it clear, while I was on the operating table, for the c-section, that I should not have anymore babies.
Different people have different opinions on this ...having more babies that is, over population and all that stuff. Understand that my vision and dream, from a tween, was 4-6 kids. I came from a small, disconnected family and I wanted to start a bigger family so that I'd have lots of grandbabies someday and they'd all have the fun of oodles of cousins. I imagined football every Thanksgiving....sounds awesome doesn't it? I mean, we'd ALL play football every Thanksgiving. Ah well....God has a different plan and I am learning the importance of being PRESENT....not always trying to plan and envision what I desire to such detail, for the future.
This week, I've succeeded in organizing and listing all the baby clothes to sell, along with other baby items. I've been in mourning this week. It's not mourning without hope, it is mourning nonetheless. All mamas go through it when you realize you are done having babies.
By letting the dream go of more babies, and no daughter....I am reminded that God knows what He's doing. I am thinking about the future in ways that are not so detailed. Rather, I'm paying attention to the details in my present surroundings and thinking of the future as an adventure...and what kind of things will open up for my family and I as we keep walking this path - it will be awesome.

I wanted to share Boho Baby Bump's post for my readers that have experienced miscarriage and trying to get pregnant again or are pregnant again. Some of my friends didn't allow it to affect them. Some, like me, will totally relate to BBB's post. Let me say this, there will be people who just like to hear themselves talk and say things like, "Be grateful. or Don't think about the baby you lost, think about your new baby." Try not to let those people get to you. It doesn't matter their relationship to you - people don't get it, unless they've experienced it. Stay true to you. Our babies in Heaven or in our wombs or arms, can't get any better than a Mama being true to herself.



boho baby bump: Heart Talk: Pregnancy after Miscarriage: 27 week bump with my little handsome  (Sometimes I hold back from writing certain things because I just don't know what is appropriate...



Love & Grace,
Beth

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Woke up from peaceful slumber….

with this thought: How do I get some running shoes today – an excellent pair for about $30? Is there a website similar to priceline.com where I can name my price, click on the number of stars I want for quality [5 stars], submit my debit card for payment and “spin the wheel”. I’ve never been disappointed with my priceline or hotels.com leaps of faith. Then, my mind wandered over to the “watch list” on ebay, where I have marked some lots of clothes for the boys. “Hmm….maybe I can find a decent pair of running shoes on ebay!” So, I stumbled out of bed at 1:37AM and started surfing ebay. The boys’ clothes lots are a day out at least. I don’t bid until the last minute. I look for some running shoes. I found a pair for $30. A pair of New Balance, running shoes, in my size. But then, I looked at all the pics and became squeamish at the thought of putting my feet inside of someone else’s running shoes, even though they’ve “only been worn twice”. So….I went to Pinterest.
Pinterest is the purgatory of fabulous ideas and creativity MUST DO’s. I spent an hour on Pinterest. I know, I know…shameful! But the kids are sleeping,  so who cares? I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest. Is it me or do all these pins appear to have come….from a neighborhood of Stepford wives? An hour after pinning and perusing and dreaming and realizing, #1- it all still costs $$ #2 – I am frustrated because I know I want to be creative and crafty…but how do I do that and keep my house in order, run my Mary Kay business and play with and parent my boys day in and day out? So, at 2:54AM, I googled, “How do I keep a clean house AND outlet creativity?” If I had Siri, I would have asked her. Google was no help. It pulled up websites on cleaning your house OR being creative. Oooh! I just thought I can’t be the only one that wants order and cleanliness [lord knows with little boys…things can stink up pretty quickly], and still wants to build a pergola out of beeswax, a hula hoop and newspapers. So if I can master this, maybe it’ll be my own empire and we’ll become rich and my husband can be home with us all day and we can vacation at Lake Tahoe and DisneyWorld and Tuscany…hahahaha.
At 3:19AM, I believe it’s time for me to say, “Fiddle-dee-dee.  I’ll go fix myself a stiff drink and conk out for 3 1/2 hours. I’m sure something brilliant will come to me at sunrise.”