I wrote a poem....or something. I don't know what these things are called when I let them come out. It's after a life-long series of lessons on being emotionally available to people that don't deserve it. Don't be emotionally available to anyone but God and your spouse....maybe a close, close friend. Truly? Have some confidence that since God made you for relationship and He lives inside of us....that together you and Him can figure it out, move on and be fulfilled. He really does exist and He really is WHO we need. Only He knows all that we're capable of as individuals and can lead us to carry it out. Humans are not capable of this kind of love. I have been a fool to keep thinking and waiting and hoping they are - no matter what "position" they hold in your life. I was inspired to title this one "Worthy". A friend sent me a charm after Levi died. I would stare at it and not get it. I knew she was trying to tell me I'm worthy. But I really didn't get it. After starting this piece over a year ago....it flowed and came out and finished very easily this morning. It flowed out as if Eminem was throwing out the lyric.......it's not enjoyable, but it is freeing for me. I get it now.
Just one beat and you dance to their tune. You don't know you, more than they do. Cut your strings, quit acting to keep the show on. You are worthy to live and to truly be who- YOU- are. No more threats or drama, no more lies or twisting. If you can't know you're worthy, no one else will! Love yourself, it's no one's job but yours. They don't like your dreams? your personality? your choices for happiness? A no-drama mess? Too bad! The only thing thicker than blood is the crap they choose to swim in. Get out! Quit waiting, and wishing and hoping they'll be different. They're not and you are- so quit fearin' and allowin' yourself to be stuck there with them. Stop sharing your problems and being vulnerable to them. They're vultures. Their mind games will chew through your guts and flesh, in order to scavenge your harvest. Just cuz they don't know how to love what is good for them, doesn't mean you should repeat the same cycle over. They already know that you love them. While it's not enough, they're about to learn that you've become indifferent and you're as good as gone. Love yourself. God is big in all of us and life is greater than what it has seemed. Go in peace, keep your heart clean, don't look back, and run with the wind baby. You are worthy to be free.