My Readers, I read this post [in the title of my post, see link at bottom] last week and have been processing and finding freedom through the whole week as I reflect on this blogger's [boho baby bump's] similar thoughts. It's a heavy topic...but a real topic.
I went through such a long, dry spell for blogging because of this very topic...and then My Darling was born, after the pregnancy after a miscarriage and I allowed myself to finally join the club of thousands of women that clam up and guard. I don't know why so many women deal this way. I was so afraid of what people would think if I shared my heart on the matter. I have friends that can't have babies, and I was always afraid of offending them. I remember after I lost Levi, reading friend's facebook statuses that were complaining because of the discomfort of their pregnancy. I remember being mad at them and truly wanting to tell them to shut the eff up and just be grateful. Guess what? I got pregnant again and then I wrote one or two facebook statuses about the discomfort of pregnancy. Then, one or two more, after I got My Darling home about how I needed sleep. It's life. I can't be sensitive to all, neither can you. Even when I am doing my very best, I find out I offend someone. I wish now, I had blogged about the fight more within me, during Bennett's pregnancy. I wish I had been as transparent about his birth, but I was angry too...I knew it would border on hurting people that I love, when they were just living their lives too.
Bennett's birth was rather traumatic, for me. I won't relive all the details, because it's still a raw place for me. My surgeon wasn't discreet or kind in her delivery. Basically, Bennett's premature arrival by 5 weeks pretty much saved my life. The surgeon was very clear that he was making an arrival because my uterus was on the verge of bursting with any more contractions. Suffice it to say, the surgeon made it clear, while I was on the operating table, for the c-section, that I should not have anymore babies.
Different people have different opinions on this ...having more babies that is, over population and all that stuff. Understand that my vision and dream, from a tween, was 4-6 kids. I came from a small, disconnected family and I wanted to start a bigger family so that I'd have lots of grandbabies someday and they'd all have the fun of oodles of cousins. I imagined football every Thanksgiving....sounds awesome doesn't it? I mean, we'd ALL play football every Thanksgiving. Ah well....God has a different plan and I am learning the importance of being PRESENT....not always trying to plan and envision what I desire to such detail, for the future.
This week, I've succeeded in organizing and listing all the baby clothes to sell, along with other baby items. I've been in mourning this week. It's not mourning without hope, it is mourning nonetheless. All mamas go through it when you realize you are done having babies.
By letting the dream go of more babies, and no daughter....I am reminded that God knows what He's doing. I am thinking about the future in ways that are not so detailed. Rather, I'm paying attention to the details in my present surroundings and thinking of the future as an adventure...and what kind of things will open up for my family and I as we keep walking this path - it will be awesome.
I wanted to share Boho Baby Bump's post for my readers that have experienced miscarriage and trying to get pregnant again or are pregnant again. Some of my friends didn't allow it to affect them. Some, like me, will totally relate to BBB's post. Let me say this, there will be people who just like to hear themselves talk and say things like, "Be grateful. or Don't think about the baby you lost, think about your new baby." Try not to let those people get to you. It doesn't matter their relationship to you - people don't get it, unless they've experienced it. Stay true to you. Our babies in Heaven or in our wombs or arms, can't get any better than a Mama being true to herself.
boho baby bump: Heart Talk: Pregnancy after Miscarriage: 27 week bump with my little handsome (Sometimes I hold back from writing certain things because I just don't know what is appropriate...
Love & Grace,
Beth
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