anxious

For pity's sake, I am a grown woman!  Oh sorry....I'm having a conversation with myself.  Hang on a sec, please?  Thanks.  ......"I'm good enough.  I'm smart enough and doggone it!  People like me!"  ........

Hmmmm...it's not working yet.  Ok well...I might as well come out with it.  I am terrified.  I am psyching myself up for this and I KNOW when it's all over, I will have had a blast and feel totally at ease.   You are probably wondering, "what is she doing or having to psych herself up for?"  I'll tell you.  I have been invited to a get together tonight.  The woman who invited me, I know totally loves me, as I do her.  Her invitation is an answer to prayer really, because I don't know how in the heck to meet people in the town I live in...and I love it here....but I haven't been able to figure it out.  Hubby and I had this problem, in our former town.  Back there, we invited a group of 5 couples to our home for a New Year's Eve party. [which was postponed because I got walking pneumonia.  Rescheduled date was some time in February.]  We did not know them except to say "hi" to them and since they were the  group that was consistent in saying, "Hi!" back to us when we'd see them around town, they were our ages, and at a similar station in life, with the kids, we decided "Spouse, let's shoot the moon [euchre term] and see what happens."  We had lived there for 2 1/2 years and finally we were desperate.  Despite me drinking entirely too much cheap, red wine - we made a great group of friends after that night.

Anyway - my friend's invite for this evening, is so welcomed!  Now that I'm staring the clock down for when I'm to leave for it...I'm pooping my pants.  Am I supposed to feel like it's my first day of high school in a new town?  UM.....I do not believe so.  By this time in my life, I think I'm supposed to be past worrying about how I hate my hair and I'm sure no one will take me seriously because I'm overweight and that I'm positive I grew another chin this afternoon.

 This....all this inner dialogue that I have with myself...is crap.  SO....I'm writing this in my blog to expose it once and for all, realizing that it is normal to be nervous to meet new peers.  It is normal to hope new friendships will blossom from this evening's outing and it is normal that not everyone will think I'm the bees's knees.  And that is ok.  More than that, my lovely friend who invited me is awesome and I know the people she hangs with must be awesome too.  I am in safe company and I'm going to first, exhale.  Second, get ready.  Third, drive over to her house.  Fourth, sit down, relax and be open for an absolutely fabulous time of meeting other women from our town and learn about their interests.  Fifth, I do not have to cater to hubby or son's needs and whims tonight.   !?!?!?  :I    :)     :D    It's gonna be awesome! 

Supper

Can you guess what this is?

This is the pea soup I made 3 nights ago for supper.  I love split pea and ham soup....well...really any soup...but when I was a kid, I used to love to pop a can of Campbells split pea and ham soup into the microwave.  I haven't had any in yeeeeears and Steve's aunt left me a ham bone from the family gathering we had last weekend.  She knows how I like to cook.  I do think she thought I knew what to do with it.  I did not.  So, I googled it and applied the directions.  The ham bone made a beautiful stock!  So tasty.  I was thrilled!  Next, I rinsed my split peas and let them soak and cook in the ham stock.  I was feeling so domestic and Caroline Ingalls'ish again.  Stokin' my wood-burning fireplace fAHr with split pea and ham soup on the stove.  .....  The stove.  :(  My new pots and pans have told me they don't like our electric range.  It takes forever for the burners to warm up and then the burners go from warm to inferno and the only warning is the almost warm feeling they get on their bottoms before they have no choice but to burn whatever is inside.  For this story, it was the split peas and ham and gorgeous ham stock.  I have yet to discover a "simmer" on this blasted electric range.  It's either cool to touch or a scolding cauldron.  I'm not really complaining.  I'm just sort of having fun, making fun of myself as I added 2/3 cup of water to a glop of what looks like Oscar the Grouch puke-in-a-bowl, and set it in the microwave.  Even with the black crustyness floating throughout, it does beat Campbell's. 



However, hubby won't eat it.  He nearly dry-heaved the other night when I presented it as supper.  Fortunately, I hadn't filled his bowl and he silently fixed himself something else for supper.  LOL 

While I've taunted and tantalized friends tastebuds with pictures, on Facebook, of some of my baking treats - I decided to keep it real tonight by sharing my split pea and ham soup.  Pass the salt please! 

Sublime

Truly.  I sit here this evening and I am breathing and thanking God at the same time.  It is only Wednesday and we've been so productive this week.  I am excited again for the future.  I haven't felt this way since June.  When we moved here in June of 2010, I'd wake up every morning, pinching myself that we lived in this house and that we got to live in this town.  Before that, it was the first 3 months after Jacob was born.  I would get up for his 12:30 and 3:00 AM feedings and put him back to bed.  Then, I'd watch my digital clock as the numbers changed each minute, willing it to go faster.  Once it reached 5:00AM, I knew it was an acceptable time to get up and start my day, waiting for my sweet punkin' to wake up and we get to have a whole new day together.  It's the anticipation that life is good and I can't wait to see what we'll discover next.   

I'm so grateful to no longer feel like an alien.  I'm grateful my family is healthy and getting healthier.  I'm grateful for my friends and family that love me, really love me, and prayed for us as we came through so much.  I'm grateful for my Mary Kay director that has allowed me to take my time to sort through my personal life and then delve into the business at my own pace.  I am grateful that my husband loves me and came home and cooked supper tonight!  THAT was AWESOME!  I am grateful that Jacob is learning and growing and happy.  I am grateful that Hubby wants to go on a date Friday night...and next I'll be grateful for finding a sitter.  Any takers?  ;)  I am grateful for God being God and that He wants me to be me.  [Thank you Beck.] 

Good night dear ones.  I am grateful for YOU!

$13.86

That, $13.86, is the least expensive investment I have ever made.  The book, The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield, is an investment and I breathe a prayer as I write this that anyone just wanting to be the best version of themselves - will buy it and read it and be brave enough to apply it.  It is simple, yet profound. 

God, help me be brave enough to apply the principles, in this book.  It stirs me, and I just want to be who You want me to be, because if I'm not, my existence is senseless.  I want to be who You created me to be, as a testament to YOU that you are vast and colorful and not limited to dimensions, and net worths and titles, or religion.   Amen. 

It is time.

It is time to move on.  My time of being in disbelief and pain has come to an end.  I will make room for new dreams.  I will wish to hold you as close as ever, but know that I never really lost you.  You are still here - I will see you as the furious flame flickering, telling me there's air here or there, oxygen is present.  We keep breathing.  Thank you, my darling. 

Name

What's in a name?  You, who "Joined - Gift from God".  My life has forever been changed.  I've now been without you for as long as you were with me. It's 18 weeks ago today since I saw your feet & hand prints.  18 weeks ago today we named you on Melrose Avenue heading towards the hospital.  I used to drive that street to get to where your daddy lived, when we first started dating. 

When you were 16 weeks, growing inside of me, I saw you on that black and white fuzzy screen and I saw you were a boy.  You looked so healthy.  You were calm, cool and collected.  You smiled for the camera on that day- I discovered 2 weeks later.  When I got home, after learning we would have another son, I remember laying on my left side, on my bed.  My heart was troubled to get the perfect name.  I asked God, "What should his name be?"  I closed my eyes and the name "Levi" appeared on the screens of my eyelids.  The pressing to have your name made so much sense two weeks later.  I loved it.  Levi.  LEVI. What a simple, strong name.  Seeing and saying your name, brings that pang that I will never call you to come eat lunch or say your name on the phone when you may have been at Grandma's house, and I call to check-in.

I will keep saying your name, under my own breath.  Cuz no one else does.  I don't blame them - they didn't know you.  I can't sleep this night.  I'm aching.  I still get mad that each day goes so fast and gets further away from when you left.  I don't know if you sleep or if you're awake.  Just know that I'm so grateful you Joined us and you are our Gift from God.  I miss you and I find a portion of me is missing too, never to be found again until I'm with you.  In the meantime, I will do my best to fit in and to embrace this night.  It is always darkest and coldest before the dawn of a new day.  Come to me soon new day!

Realzees [sp.?]

Today.  Interesting.  My outlook is changing.  My tolerance for bullshit - zero.  My OK-ness with that?  Totally, completely OK.  I am not responsible for how anyone else receives my writing.  This book....

is changing my life.  For realzees y'all.  So much I could say...but that would be foolish of me.  I can't go giving away all my revelations that are just on the surface of truly being realized.  If you're curious, read it.  If you yearn for wondering what and how to move forward being that secretly brilliant person you believe, way in there that you are - read it.  If you like being coddled and have someone pat your tooshie and rely solely on passing the buck and blaming someone else, um...don't read it. 
To my Mama - thank  you for recommending it.  You are the most important woman, in my life.  Nothing will take that truth/fact away. 
This evening, while we wait for Hubby to arrive with Chinese take-out...hang on a sec...let me let that sink in...we can order chinese take-out, in this great town we LIVE in!  I am enjoying a glass of this.....

....thanks to my sis-in-law that left an opened bottle here last weekend.  Go to http://www.layercakewine.com/ and read what the wine maker's grandpa used to say.  It's so true. 

In the oven, is the second White Russian Blackberry Cheesecake I've made in 24 hours.  I made our test last night.  I'll be serving it at the Mustang Foundation Banquet tomorrow evening.  I made a few revisions.  I basically threw out the recipe and used the no-fail Grandma Helen Diers recipe for cheesecake while revising the crust and adding Kahlua and blackberries.  In essence, this is the first one I'm making - but it IS the one going to the banquet tomorrow night.  Here's a picture of what Hubby and I had for breakfast this morning....

I gotta say....this recipe had zero wow factor.  It could be the recipe stinks, or it could be it doesn't have chocolate in it.  That would make a difference to really make me go "WoW!"  It's still yummy...just no wow. 

Now.  For the closing before my weekend with my very own family starts - I am thanking God for the friends that are few and far between.  I have a handful of people that love me and have loved me and I love them, for nearly 20 years - come hell or high water.  One from this crew was by my side and held me the night Levi died.  Another one, has spoken into my life the past month, in ways that awakens the real me and causes me to feel connected again.  I am profoundly grateful for your lights, in my life.  I wish there was a way for me to split my chest and this swelling of my heart would be evident for you to see just how I feel about each of you.  It's great, it's big and it's true.  I pray blessings upon blessings for you and all my friends.  But mostly - thank you for listening to Him and following through.  I love you. 
Make it an amazing weekend!  xoxoxo

Fuel

Eat the right things, Beth, and you'll feel clean and full of gas...er...fuel.  I've done that for 2 days and lost 3lbs. that I gained over the weekend.  Today, I hit the elyptical, that machine is so confusing.  I love it, I hate it.  I love that when I'm done with it, I feel so many things or muscles, in my legs and even my butt.  =)  I hate it because I look like a rhino on it.  I'm huge, fumbling with the buttons to lower the resistance, with my circular padded fingers, and I have a horn sticking out the front of my head because I want help, but I'm afraid of being laughed and criticized while I'm on it.  I forced myself to stay moving on it for 6 minutes.  "Six minutes?!?!", you exclaim.  I say, "Yes!  SIX bless-ed minutes - ain't it great?"  I hit the bikes first this morning.  The trainer told me I'm not going to burn many calories on the bike, that the elyptical is where it's at.  Hmmm.  Then WHY are the tops of my legs on fire??  Then, I got on the elyptical.  I probably should have done a few laps around the track, cuz the elyptical after the bike, felt like the bike, except I was STANDING!  Then, I moved on to the treadmill to get my run on.  Call me paranoid, but I reduced it to a speed walk after the two guys on either side of me, were looking at me.  I turned my iPod down and realized I sounded like a herd of elephants, on one treadmill!  =D  Oh...but I'm so glad I got that out of the way.  But...since I like the burn, I also did the leg press.  Um, honey, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.  I'm a load to press...but not for long. 
Today, experimenting with cheesecake and starting to paint artwork for the wall behind our new sofa, in the basement.  Exciting stuff, I tell you! 
Thank you God for sunshine, fuel, exercise and Spring on the horizon. 

Whip and Whipping Cream

*CRACK* goes the sound of my whip to haul this body encasing a large spirit to FOCUS!   I have discovered, my blog, is not the place to write some of the stuff I write.  Instead of stewing about how no one gets me, I'll use it as a learning lesson.  Take on a pen name and write candidly, passionately and unabashadly, in my journal.  Today, Jacob and I are heading to Waterloo to acquire painting supplies.  I do have one pressing question - Is taking care of my family all there is to plan out my whole life and existence for?  I mean, I live and I would die for them....but really....that's it?  Am I here to simply enjoy and explore being a creation of God, amidst the garbage?  Ok...so that was three questions. 

I'm going to share a cool recipe and invention with you.  It's caramel and how to make it!  I've made this twice now and it's truly wondrous and fun as heck to make!  We [my mother-in-law] and I made this at Christmas and again this past weekend.  I never liked science....caramel is science and fascinating and what a reward for a lesson!  I have copied this recipe and pictures from simplyrecipes.com/recipes/caramel_sauce/ 

Caramel Sauce Recipe

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Ingredients

• 1 cup of sugar
• 6 Tbsp butter
• 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream

Method

1 First, before you begin, make sure you have everything ready to go - the cream and the butter next to the pan, ready to put in. Making caramel is a fast process that cannot wait for hunting around for ingredients. If you don't work fast, the sugar will burn. Safety first - make sure there are no children under foot and you may want to wear oven mitts; the caramelized sugar will be much hotter than boiling water.

2 Heat sugar on moderately high heat in a heavy-bottomed 2-quart or 3-quart saucepan. As the sugar begins to melt, stir vigorously with a whisk or wooden spoon. As soon as the sugar comes to a boil, stop stirring. You can swirl the pan a bit if you want, from this point on. Note that this recipe works best if you are using a thick-bottomed pan. If you find that you end up burning some of the sugar before the rest of it is melted, the next time you attempt it, add a half cup of water to the sugar at the beginning of the process, this will help the sugar to cook more evenly, though it will take longer as the water will need to evaporate before the sugar will caramelize.


3 As soon as all of the sugar crystals have melted (the liquid sugar should be dark amber in color), immediately add the butter to the pan. Whisk until the butter has melted.

4 Once the butter has melted, take the pan off the heat. Count to three, then slowly add the cream to the pan and continue to whisk to incorporate. Note than when you add the butter and the cream, the mixture will foam up considerably. This is why you must use a pan that is at least 2-quarts (preferably 3-quarts) big.
5 Whisk until caramel sauce is smooth. Let cool in the pan for a couple minutes, then pour into a glass mason jar and let sit to cool to room temperature. (Remember to use pot holders when handling the jar filled with hot caramel sauce.) Store in the refrigerator for up to 2 weeks. Warm before serving.
Makes a little over one cup of sauce.

Deflated, but on task.

Hi there.  Now, is the real test.  I feel that.  I know it. With the pending due date out there and the void of it - I'm struggling.  I previously spoke of jumping hurdles.  Robot mode has expired, for me.  I almost feel like the reality of grief and the anger associated with grief is just now happening.  I'll be fine.  I'm putting this all out there, in the hopes, that some woman, that experiences these waves of grief when losing her baby, will find comfort that she is not going insane.  All of it is real and all of it is lonely and all of it has a purpose to be sought out, few understand, but there are a few.  To the future women that come across this blog, experiencing miscarriage or stillbirth or abortion of the pregnancy to save your own life - please feel free to email me.  I am praying for you and I want you to feel special - because you still are. 

This week, I am buying painting supplies to paint artwork for our walls.  It's a task I am setting in front of me, that will outlet creativity and have something, authentically me, to show for the time that I just want to lay on the sofa. 

Hypocrite?

Maybe, I'm just a hypocrite.  I was having a truly exceptional day, counting all my many blessings.  Saw something on Facebook and all that "progress" went down the crapper.  Of course, I gotta pull my thoughts to where they're supposed to be and soon because everyone, is moved on.  I like to think myself, not one that has moaned and droaned on and on, about losing Levi.  Just saying his name, this evening, makes me furious that I won't see him til I die.  I have a son - that I had no impact on -but he had an immeasurable impact on me!  I'm left to fume and stew over what the hell am I supposed to do with my life because I was saved by antibiotics, doctors and an abortion, while no one could do a thing about saving him before he died inside of me.  I was left for a whole weekend, in my gut knowing, he was dying.  That Monday that he died, I only had a mere 8 hours of confirmed prognosis that he was going to die.  He died on the way to Iowa City. I'm supposed to be grateful to have my life.  My mom referred this past week to a phrase my great gram said when she was speaking of the heart attack that killed my great grandpap.  "Heaven was so close.", gram told my mom.  I felt that, the night Levi died.  But I kept freaking pushing through.  I don't remember how far I walked in the U of Iowa hospital that afternoon, because I had no concept of how sick I was until I almost fainted and a nurse saw it, yes, I was walking alongside my husband, marching through corridor after corridor and hallway after hallway, floor after floor...and the pain....I kept calling myself a "baby" and to "suck it up!"  He had no idea how sick I was or how much pain I was in.  I didn't either - I automatically assumed I needed to kick my own ass.  I remember mentally fighting the next day, in the hospital.  I was not gonna be there a whole other night...I was getting home!  Secretly though?  I wanted to curl up and die. I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel secure, I was alone.  Am still alone. 
So, I'm strong-willed, not necessarily strong.  Is it that I'm strong-willed or is it that I'm afraid of being weak, in front of people?  Right now?  I want to be weak.  I'm dying to be weak.  Also, in my experience, people don't take me seriously when I am struggling.  They pull the stoicism on me, or crack a joke.  Then again, I'm really picky about who I'll let that close.  It's almost like I've placed myself in place, where people that are supposed to be close just can't fathom how close I get to totally cracking. So...I haven't been weak yet.  Oh wait...I take that back.  I'm being a weakling now by blogging all this garbage to try and sort through.  It's like, I have to mentally prep down to be weak...and yet...I'm so freaking exhausted and tired of being ignored and tired of being alone.  A person can only give to so many before the resources are depleted.   So, am I a hypocrite because I don't want to give God any praise right now?  I'd like to say to Him, "Thanks so much for sticking me here, in the midst of loneliness [not physical location, but emotional], where I get to take care of everyone else, but no one to take care of me...and I have to muster up the energy and positive energy to give a shit, when what I really want to do is crawl in a hole."  
And all of this because of something on Facebook....when will this cycle end?  When will the random clothesline cease to exist?  How long before I can see certain things and learn to duck the clothesline?  Oh wait...I'm not talking about losing weight and the temptation of taco dip and chocolate cake.  I know this will  never really go away.  I feel like Frodo.  He was pierced by the Ring Wraith's sword.  Recovered, healed, yet always tormented and never left to be shallow again.

Side note:  If you don't like my candor, and find it rude, crass, depressing or inconsiderate...do not return to this blog.  This is not the norm, a post like this.  However, what a joke to presume I'm Suzy Frickin' Sunshine every moment of the week and I'm kinda done putting on airs so that people believe I have all my stuff together.  I don't and a month from now is when our Levi was due. 

In the secret place..

I haven't been inspired to blog this week.  I typically like to wait for something to strike my fancy to blog about.  I've been exhausted and having a mental health week. There truly do come times, though, when I wish I could just hibernate instead of training my mind and heart to toughen  up and let it roll off.  Building self-confidence is draining, tough work.  It is not work that anyone can do for you or me.  It is up to us, as individuals.  No man, no job, no BFF, no parent, no grandparent is going to have the cure-it-all potion to impart or to repair self-confidence.  My confidence is supposed to come from how my Maker sees me.  Psalm 139 - my favorite psalm since I was a kid - and the very one that I'm still grappling at grasping, 17 years later. 

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.
 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

And....as Forrest Gump would say, "That's all I've got to say about that." 

Husband's Birthday

To the one I love above all others, and let me know just this morning, he remembers eating the banana cream pie I made for him a few years ago for a birthday.  "It was interesting with meringue on it, but would be better with cream on it.", as I'm preparing to make it for his birthday treat, as he requested.  LOL  THAT is just the kind of man I married - never wanting to rock the boat, but waits for the perfect moment to teach me.  I remember being so proud of the meringue on that pie....it was my first time...I do not know what recipe I was following, but it must not have been a banana cream pie recipe!  LOL  There was discussion over Thanksgiving about this topic, but he was not as definitive as he was this morning.  He knows that I require being hit between the eyes with a padded 2x4.  =D 

To my handsome, strong, peaceful, slow to anger, comical, witty, leader among men, dear, tender, talented, steadfast, best man on the planet that I'm bound by love, commitment and dreams to:  You are the greatest.  May today, in every hour, be an hour that you feel the love of all those you touch.  You are Jacob's Hero and the man I made a "list" for and by the grace of God - got.  You make us so happy.  Happy Birthday Husband! 

Sore

*It's a downer folks, yet, I don't want to post only when I feel inspired. Keepin' it real, just sayin.  *

Yesterday afternoon, I grabbed my Canon PowerShot camera which hubby gave me for a wedding present.  You see, it broke the Saturday before Levi died.  I always took my preggo picture for facebook every Saturday, the end of whatever week pregnancy I was in.  That Saturday, I helped out with the preschool bake sale.  It was very cold that day and I called hubby and son to bring me a sweatshirt to Walmart.  They arrived with a sweatshirt.  Steve had the camera with him to take pictures of the underground tour of businesses, which he and Jacob were going to do, while I did the bake sale.  Our plan was to rendezvous after we were all done for some lunch and browsing the arts fair happening downtown.  Before Steve left, he snapped a shot of me, the proud mommy doing such a "mommy" thing for my kiddo that just keeps growing up so fast.  That afternoon, when we got home, I took a long nap.  I was losing our son at this point, but didn't know it.  The day before, my water broke, but we didn't know that's what that was either.  I kept leaking but the nurse said that I wasn't leaking enough to be alarming and they all agreed my urethra tilted, not uncommon in pregnancy, and I was leaking urine.  So, I carried on with my normal stuff.  I woke up from my nap and wanted Steve to take my weekly preggo picture.  Our camera would not work!  I was pissed.  Not an exaggeration....I was so frustrated and angry that I would have to use my cell phone for that shot and it wasn't as good of quality and how was I going to get the picture in the right photo folder on facebook?  All of these concerns, were very surfacy.  In my gut, I felt it was an omen, an outward sign of my dying baby.

This is the picture exiting 17 weeks, entering 18 weeks taken with my cell phone.

So, yesterday afternoon, I was excited to use my PowerShot to take before and after pictures of my face with Mary Kay products.  I start the camera up, and am excited to see what pictures I can now upload that I hadn't because the stupid thing hadn't been working for 3 1/2 months.  Arrowing back, I realize all the pictures are from that Saturday before Levi died. 

Instantly, physical pain grips my torso.  It's a pain, I've never known until we lost Levi.  I've spoke of it before, in my blog.  For the first 2 months It was constant.  Now, it just grabs me with a random thought or memory, all of them are triggers from the weekend it took to lose a baby and the hospital stay.  I woke up many times through the night with the pain.  It's like I want to wrap ace bandage upon ace bandage around my torso to stop my flesh and muscles and bones from unraveling.  This morning, the pain is dull.  All my muscles are terribly sore from how tight the pain was. 

I had a fun time that day, doing my mommy thing.  I was just exhausted when it was over. 

Mad skillz

Ok.  So, today is when Hubby and Son are back to their normal routines, which  really means I have allowed that to affect MY normal routine and not doing what I normally do every morning.  I haven't exercised, haven't been blogging, most importantly....I have not been bustin' a move daily.  Without a doubt, Ellen DeGeneres is onto something with the dancing on her show.  It is my favorite part of her show, when I get to watch.  Have you done this or tried this?  Just crank up the iPod and turn into a whirling dervish across the floors of your home?  I can do it with Jacob around. I feel child-like and love to see my kid with his mad dance skillz and hear him giggle at how his mama actually can move and has been a closet choreographer.....her whole life.  haha....I say that with sarcasm.  I can move and I've been a closet choreographer...only more styled for The Brady's.  ;) [jazz square right, arms up into a V] Point is, I haven't allowed myself to totally bare my soul, in that way, to my husband.  Why?  I don't know.  He "caught" me one time, years ago and I was mortified, I started bawling and freaking out hysterically.  He assured me I didn't need to be self-conscious about it.  Oh...I forgot to tell you the part where I was using the knife sharpener from our knives set, as a microphone and belting it out to Christina Aguilara "Fighter ".  See?  I've been a big dreamer for a looooonnnngggg time.  I have one friend, from my childhood that walked in on me pretending with my curling iron, in front of my mirror, while we were in high school.  You know who you are.  You needn't expound.  ;) 

....Back to today.  Today, I was transparently impatient for my guys to get out the door this morning.  I think, getting to dance and sing at the top of my lungs is an act of intimacy only for my spirit.  I fight feeling guilty about it, but I think it's the act of  building up my spirit. As I danced to Pink and Raise Your Glass - a pure flash came into my head..just a flash.  The detail, in that flash, was profound.  It was my Levi dancing in a cloth diaper with Pink's baby that she miscarried.  [whistle from high to low]  He was just dancing, nodding his head, giving Pink baby the kudos on his rockin' mom that wrote and delivered a song that he can watch his mama get free with.  I understand, I have a vivid imagination, but I'm not gonna defend it.  This flash happened.  It brought me comfort and joy this morning. 

I also feel like it's time to get equipped for doing something big.  Why not?  It has to be inspired though...it can't be drummed up and droned on.  Like my baking business, I taught myself all of that.  I took no training and I was inefficient.  I was inspired to do it, but it wasn't married with the real know-how that builds confidence.  I am inspired to do many things and now I'm learning at almost 34 the tenacity to see the training through.    All I can say is "Thank you God that I'm not waiting any later to learn discipline and stick-to-it-ive-ness!"  We are created IN HIS image.  I am born from a love that knows no bounds, with a purpose all my own, which the world needs.  So are you!  We are going to grasp this invisible, tangible truth this year!  Why the heck not!?

Every day

Here it is.  The new year.  A new week.  A new outlook.  A slate of new goals.  You know what I'm uplifted by?  There is now nothing, which I dread. I have a vision, in my mind's eye of what I've felt like and why I've kept so busy and accomplished projects and goals.  I'm running a race.  I just keep flying like the wind and jumping the hurdles.  The hurdles are just that, hurdles.  They are there to be a testimony of how hard I want to get to the finish line.  I will jump them.  They are nothing I have to "deal" with.  They're obstacles, but how hard are they if I just have to keep limber, in shape, focused and just keep jumping them?  If I fall down while jumping a hurdle, I don't wrestle it and tell it I'm gonna pummel it's ass.  If I'm running a race and jumping hurdles and trip, I don't turn around, pick it up over my head and throw it into the center of the track.  If I trip and fall, I get up, get momentum going and jump the next hurdle.  You know what I get to do now?  Pardon me if it sounds ridiculously obvious or cliche....Now...I get to enjoy and live and make the most of every day, to make it the greatest day I'm alive.  Why not?