Thursday, January 13, 2011

Hypocrite?

Maybe, I'm just a hypocrite.  I was having a truly exceptional day, counting all my many blessings.  Saw something on Facebook and all that "progress" went down the crapper.  Of course, I gotta pull my thoughts to where they're supposed to be and soon because everyone, is moved on.  I like to think myself, not one that has moaned and droaned on and on, about losing Levi.  Just saying his name, this evening, makes me furious that I won't see him til I die.  I have a son - that I had no impact on -but he had an immeasurable impact on me!  I'm left to fume and stew over what the hell am I supposed to do with my life because I was saved by antibiotics, doctors and an abortion, while no one could do a thing about saving him before he died inside of me.  I was left for a whole weekend, in my gut knowing, he was dying.  That Monday that he died, I only had a mere 8 hours of confirmed prognosis that he was going to die.  He died on the way to Iowa City. I'm supposed to be grateful to have my life.  My mom referred this past week to a phrase my great gram said when she was speaking of the heart attack that killed my great grandpap.  "Heaven was so close.", gram told my mom.  I felt that, the night Levi died.  But I kept freaking pushing through.  I don't remember how far I walked in the U of Iowa hospital that afternoon, because I had no concept of how sick I was until I almost fainted and a nurse saw it, yes, I was walking alongside my husband, marching through corridor after corridor and hallway after hallway, floor after floor...and the pain....I kept calling myself a "baby" and to "suck it up!"  He had no idea how sick I was or how much pain I was in.  I didn't either - I automatically assumed I needed to kick my own ass.  I remember mentally fighting the next day, in the hospital.  I was not gonna be there a whole other night...I was getting home!  Secretly though?  I wanted to curl up and die. I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel secure, I was alone.  Am still alone. 
So, I'm strong-willed, not necessarily strong.  Is it that I'm strong-willed or is it that I'm afraid of being weak, in front of people?  Right now?  I want to be weak.  I'm dying to be weak.  Also, in my experience, people don't take me seriously when I am struggling.  They pull the stoicism on me, or crack a joke.  Then again, I'm really picky about who I'll let that close.  It's almost like I've placed myself in place, where people that are supposed to be close just can't fathom how close I get to totally cracking. So...I haven't been weak yet.  Oh wait...I take that back.  I'm being a weakling now by blogging all this garbage to try and sort through.  It's like, I have to mentally prep down to be weak...and yet...I'm so freaking exhausted and tired of being ignored and tired of being alone.  A person can only give to so many before the resources are depleted.   So, am I a hypocrite because I don't want to give God any praise right now?  I'd like to say to Him, "Thanks so much for sticking me here, in the midst of loneliness [not physical location, but emotional], where I get to take care of everyone else, but no one to take care of me...and I have to muster up the energy and positive energy to give a shit, when what I really want to do is crawl in a hole."  
And all of this because of something on Facebook....when will this cycle end?  When will the random clothesline cease to exist?  How long before I can see certain things and learn to duck the clothesline?  Oh wait...I'm not talking about losing weight and the temptation of taco dip and chocolate cake.  I know this will  never really go away.  I feel like Frodo.  He was pierced by the Ring Wraith's sword.  Recovered, healed, yet always tormented and never left to be shallow again.

Side note:  If you don't like my candor, and find it rude, crass, depressing or inconsiderate...do not return to this blog.  This is not the norm, a post like this.  However, what a joke to presume I'm Suzy Frickin' Sunshine every moment of the week and I'm kinda done putting on airs so that people believe I have all my stuff together.  I don't and a month from now is when our Levi was due. 

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