Saturday, February 5, 2011

Worthy

I am up at 3:15AM because of a couple different reasons.  Hubby came to bed much later than I.  He fell asleep but the TV was left on sleep mode and a stupid, blaring commercial woke me.  So....I laid there and the thoughts and fears descended, just like they were waiting for me to wake up, almost as if they are the guilty party for turning up the volume too loud on the tv and waking me from slumber.  I believe this is a prime example of "Resistance", which Steven Pressfield talks about in the book The War of Art.  I laid there and the thoughts came flying, "You'll never have another baby.  You're not losing weight.  You've become comfortable with not exercising this past week.  You haven't learned guitar or piano yet - then you wouldn't have to rely on karaoke, when you need to outlet singing.  Your hair is turning gray!  You are getting older and what do you have to show for your purpose, on this earth?  You didn't handle stress well this past year.  You can't even sleep, you're a fraud at relaxing and letting peace rule."  Those were just a few of the thoughts, which finally forced me to get up and start writing.  I could list quite a few more - seems that's enough to list before someone tells me to quit waving my "freak flag". 

Almost, all of these accusations are accurate!  These truths, when smeared back at me, are detrimental to me.  I have found, and maybe you do this?  When I don't reach my goals or when I don't get it *perfect*, whatever that is for real, anyway - my tendency is to give up because I'm programmed to not think too highly of myself.  Who am I to think I could actually attain goals and dreams?  What's more...if I actually continue to better myself, will my husband still love me?  Will the rest of family, my side and hubby's, think I've become unbearable?  How will I do so much that I want to, as the authentic me, and as a mom, a wife and not having anyone to help me with my Boy Wonder and more children? 

Relax, breathe.  Keep doing what you know to do, Beth.  One can't plan a whole future out when they're not prepared.  Leave it to God.  I'll be me and let God, be God. 

In the new book I'm reading [thanks to my mom again] - The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron - there is a quote in the margin on p. 16 by Robbie Gass.  It reads, "Like an ability or a muscle, hearing your inner wisdom is strengthened by doing it."  So...it's now 4AM and a new day.  It's February 5, 2011.  I will make this day count by doing the things that I know to do and be open for learning new things to do.  Today, I will be steadfast and whatever I set my hand to, on this day, will be for the glory of my Creator.  Only He will know and that's just how it should be. 

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