Thursday, December 16, 2010

Double

It's another snow day for Jacob this morning.  He's in a.m. preschool and there's a 2 hour delay.  I am getting spoiled by having him home so often.  It's been an interesting morning.  I woke up at 5:30 because of a horrific, vivid dream of us driving over a bridge in Cedar Rapids.  Ahead of us, was a white minivan that was swerving all over the lanes, just when we cried a prayer because we thought the van was going to hit the right side of the bridge, nearly head-on, which I envisioned would come swirling back at our vehicle, the van shot right over the bridge, falling into the river.  Screaming is all I heard.  It was awful, when we got to the end of the bridge, suddenly we were on old Hwy. 218 driving past the McDonald's in Mt. Pleasant....just strangeness and disturbing. We were untouched, but the loss of those lives and the screaming is really grating on me this morning.
A really cool development, my SIL, in NYC, texted to say she had her photo taken with Liam Neeson  while she was at the Today show for a toy drive this morning.  Jacob and I kept busy until 8:50 commercial break so that we could catch a peek of her on tv, as a Plaza visitor on the Today show.  I got to see her.  Jacob was confused...it's hard making out the ones you know, on tv, when all of them are bundled up and the camera's pan goes so fast.  She looked cute and her smile totally stood out from everyone else's, as it usually does.  =D  I teared up, for someone I love, living the dream, man!
Overall today, I'm still recovering from a heaviness that kinda settled last night.  I was sitting on the sofa and telling Steve that I can't seem to get past this one "number" on the scale.  For the past month, I've struggled within 2-3 lbs. above it or below it and it's getting to me.  As I was talking to him about what I probably need to do, I realized that I've relaxed a whole lot more in the past 3 weeks.  For a solid 2 months I had chronic pain all over my body, after Levi's death.  My torso especially, most of the time felt like it was unraveling.  I've been without that pain for at least a month now.  Sometimes, it returns, but it is not a constant.  I am grateful for that...but I feel this deep sense of more reality setting in, as I move on.  Moving on is good.  Moving on is also a conscious decision when one realizes the moments are easier and they're moving on.  I realized that in contrast to the first 2 months, I'm not bound to a notebook full of lists for EVERYTHING and I mean everything.  I was exercising out of a drive that sometimes seemed unnatural - just trying to plow through.  In life, I've discovered that I'd rather plow through the hard stuff than to gain a strategy or take my time or assess a situation.  It's also something that drives me insane about the Iowa Hawkeyes...their offense and lack of drive to plow through other teams...OT...sorry...
I remembered a moment I had with Jacob yesterday and was telling Steve about it.  I was taking a breather in the front living room, mesmerized by the snow falling and my pretty little christmas tree decorated in white and gold and glittery ornaments.  Jacob woke up from his nap and curled up on my lap.  His curling up, feels like him just trying to bend his limbs in awkward positions around me, because he's growing up.  But the way he nuzzles his chubby cheeks in my neck and wraps his plump, hot hands in my hair and starts twisting, is sublime.  For some reason, in that moment, the realization that I will never feel Levi's cheeks or hot hands, ever, hit me kind of hard and I fought back stinging tears.  I never want Jacob to feel that deep sense of loss, because I don't want him to ever think he's not good enough.  Maybe he never would feel that...but it's my own personal fear.  In the next moment, I was reminded of Pastor Elissa's prayer over Jacob during Levi's memorial service.  She prayed that Jacob would get double of everything.  I have to be honest.  I didn't really know what that meant, until yesterday.  Levi has everything he'd ever want or need...he knows neither want or need.  So, all the love I have for Levi, can be poured into my Jacob.  So, visualizing what to do with this excess of motherly love, I pulled Jacob tighter.  He let out a sweet sigh, and his hands rested on the back of my neck.  "You feel soooo good Mama."  I'm going to stop there, because there's nothing else to say and I have to have a good cry.  Then the heaviness will be gone.

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