Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Reality vs. Fantasy

Last night and this morning, I am struggling between the realms of reality and fantasy. I can’t go into what caused a flare up last night…..but I got angry and worked up about something….and immediately…..pain was present. This morning, it’s gone, but I am so tired and drained.

I was not born or wired to be an anger ball. Life….has brought me some things that I see now I haven’t handled in the best ways …which has led to me having picked up a bulldog characteristic. I could be the greatest friend you’d ever want….because of loyalty. When I love and believe in you, I will chew the ass off a rhinoceros, lose sleep, ignore logic and be willing to make a complete fool out of myself, on your behalf.

I didn’t follow my alkaline diet, over the weekend. By Sunday, I was noticing pain creeping back in. Monday, I did what I was supposed to diet-wise and by yesterday afternoon, felt myself again. So, something I thought would be healed by diet and nutrition alone [fantasy], reared it’s ugly head when I had too much negativity surging through me. The part I was so frustrated about is that I had no voice to do anything on behalf of someone. There was no action I could do…..except …..pray and thank God….and pardon me but sometimes that just seems so…….not enough [unreality], not when flesh and blood, in front of me, needs [unreality] to be told how ignorant, self-seeking, and foolish they are and how they mess with people’s lives…so flippantly. Would that help anyone? Nope. Would it bring some relief to be able to express, succinctly, to someone all the things I believe to be true? For a moment. The end result wouldn’t be changed though. We have free will and I can’t control these things. So….if I can’t control them, why do I allow myself to feel and bottle to the point of dis-ease growing in my body….then need to explode and have no where to go and no one to validate me?

Today’s post may feel more like a journal. Oh well. I can’t write a post on “A Perfect Tuesday”[yesterday’s post]  and choosing to see life perfectly…and not write how the same evening…..I allowed myself to be the worst version of myself. I am seeing that these health issues are manifesting because of not loving myself enough to keep my eyes on the beauty and lovely things, in my life. I keep jumping the same hurdles because I’m on the same track.  I have allowed defensiveness and the opinions of men and women to have a higher place, in my mind, than they ever should.

Here’s a reality and something I saw on my facebook feed this morning which really resonates in me:

“If it is detrimental to you emotionally, physically and spiritually, what choice do you have but to let go and flourish with self-respect.” ~Dodinsky

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” ~Phil. 4:8

I hope you don’t find my posts, preachy. I write what comes to me, as I am dealing with my own crap, for my own reference and to keep me in line. I don’t even pretend to be able to advise anyone what they should do. I’m just processing, out loud.

Love & Grace,

Beth

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