Thursday, June 9, 2011

Perfect

Pink’s song….I <3 this song SO much! My brain is inundated with examples of the pressure to be perfect and it’s all a joke. God said it first, we are created in His image and he wants us for relationship. He doesn’t want us because He needs an ego fed to adore and bow down to Him. When I think of the relationships I have, they are less than perfect…..much less…..and yet I value them, cherish them – I appreciate that we can speak openly with each other, be it excitement, sorrow, anger, joy, reflection, etc. We can mess up and be truly sorry and come back together. We are perfect to God – just the way we are. A couple weeks ago, when Steve and I were told by our doctor that Sweet Pea didn’t have 3 blood vessels in his umbilical cord and there was a 50% chance he would be born with a genetic disease – I did not praise my Maker. We knew that no matter what, we would love our son and be excited for his life. However, I said to God through gritted teeth, “If you created Mt. Everest and the seasons and made Eve from dust and a rib of a man, then you frickin’ [edited version] put three blood vessels in his umbilical cord!” I was not kidding. I do not feel guilt for talking to God that way. I’m feeling a little bit of anxiety right now for admitting, on a blog, that I did….but I’m pushing it aside because if we can’t be real with the One that made us and has a purpose for us…..who needs it and I do need Him and want Him.  After the high risk ultrasound, 10 days later, the tech saw 3 vessels right away. It’s more than likely that the vessel was there and the equipment, in our clinic couldn’t see it. The creation of a baby is a miracle…and my doctor told me there was a slim risk that he wouldn’t be able to survive outside the womb, if he had a certain genetic disease, with only a 2 vessel cord. Of course, my doctor told me all of these things when referring me to the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics because of my age[ what the hell? I still think I’m  24.], my own *issues* that I was born with, and the history of losing Levi Matthew. It took me about 4 days to swim through the shock of this fear, that there was something deficient in me, to not be able to produce a healthy baby. AFTER, I lashed out at God, I started to remember the opposite of fear. Faith. No matter what evidence is given and presented and how it’s packaged in reality – it does not have to be the reality. I started to close my eyes and SEE 3 vessels in his umbilical cord, and I had to change my attitude. God has given me an amazing life. I’m not saying I took these actions with gusto and enthusiasm….I had many people lifting my family, myself and our Sweet Pea in prayer. THANK YOU to those who were strong for me when I literally felt depleted. As we were sitting in the ultrasound room, waiting for the doctors to come in to verify the tech’s report, and had uncontrollably sobbed for a couple minutes, as relief flooded my soul. I remembered what I had said to God 10 days before. I shared it with Steve. Then, I smiled through glossy eyes and tear-streaked Mary Kay face, “God likes when I talk to Him like that.” Don’t we feel closer to our loved ones when we are free to be ourselves with them? I felt closer to God. He hadn’t gone anywhere, but I had gotten closer, in his face close. He loves me no matter what. He loves when we talk to Him, no matter the tone or content. He created us for relationship.

So….when you feel “less than perfect” and like “nothing”, talk to God about it, let Him tell you, “ You are perfect to me.”

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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