Monday, March 14, 2011

Blade of Grass

I have a new quote that is my favorite:

"Every blade of grass has its Angel that bends over it and whispers, "Grow, grow."
-The Talmud

I think of this quote this way:  Blade of Grass is our new life growing inside of me, and I'm the Angel.  I've been whispering, "Grow, grow.", since 6 weeks ago.  Levi's due date was closer and closer and there was this window of pure hope.  I just knew - without confidence - that our next baby was on the brink of showing up.  I was cautious to hope.  I was trying hard to believe, to have faith - but really, just kept saying "Please." and "Thank You!" to our Maker. Finally, when I could take the waiting game no more.  I called my G.P. to order a blood test at our local hospital.  We were 3 weeks and 5 days expecting...I mean our little embryo had burrowed in, that morning, probably!  LOL  =D  That was Valentine's weekend.  The next weekend was Levi's due date - it came and it went.  I felt kind of numb, but no great torrential downpour of tears came.  Until....last Tuesday for our first ultrasound with our new Sweet Pea.  Nothing prepared me for how hard it was to feel like moving on and moving on without Levi Matthew, by seeing this new sibling, where he lived just 5 months ago.  But, as grief does, it comes and I had to deal with it.  Since last Wednesday, joy has returned for this new baby.  I bloated horribly weeks 5-7...so bad, that I looked like I was 16 weeks instead.  I discovered Bragg organic Apple Cider Vinegar, had a dose of that and the next morning, was back to having normal rolls.  ;)  I have the appetite of a Gladiator.  No real nausea past week 6.  Need a nap almost every afternoon. I've gained 11 lbs. of the 33 I've lost and I'm not going to worry about it.  I cannot have both of my goals of losing 60lbs. this year AND a new baby.  I'll take the new baby! The only food aversions I have are spaghetti sauce and sausage and wheat bread.  I have been drinking a lot of milk - I crave it crazily. 
Jacob has been such a sweetheart.  A couple of weeks ago, we were on the way to meet his grandma.  We hadn't been telling people about our news at that time.  I reminded him he needed to try and keep a secret for us about the baby still.  "Awwwww.....Why mom??"  "Because, we just want the baby to grow a little bigger in my tummy."  Jacob smacked his arms down on his lap, threw his head to the side - looking out the car window and said, "Awww man.  We have to start all over again!"  Out of the mouth of babes.  He voiced what I was secretly thinking and it forced me to deal instantly, which I did and we continued on.  He's such a smart boy.  He is excited to be a big brother.  =D  He thinks it will be a girl.  We'll find out in another 12 weeks. 

I want to say to you, my readers - YOU have blessed me immeasurably.  Thank you for your love, your prayers, your encouraging words, your gifts.  Thank you for not judging a mother's grief and letting me share it with you.  I love you. 

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