anxious

For pity's sake, I am a grown woman!  Oh sorry....I'm having a conversation with myself.  Hang on a sec, please?  Thanks.  ......"I'm good enough.  I'm smart enough and doggone it!  People like me!"  ........

Hmmmm...it's not working yet.  Ok well...I might as well come out with it.  I am terrified.  I am psyching myself up for this and I KNOW when it's all over, I will have had a blast and feel totally at ease.   You are probably wondering, "what is she doing or having to psych herself up for?"  I'll tell you.  I have been invited to a get together tonight.  The woman who invited me, I know totally loves me, as I do her.  Her invitation is an answer to prayer really, because I don't know how in the heck to meet people in the town I live in...and I love it here....but I haven't been able to figure it out.  Hubby and I had this problem, in our former town.  Back there, we invited a group of 5 couples to our home for a New Year's Eve party. [which was postponed because I got walking pneumonia.  Rescheduled date was some time in February.]  We did not know them except to say "hi" to them and since they were the  group that was consistent in saying, "Hi!" back to us when we'd see them around town, they were our ages, and at a similar station in life, with the kids, we decided "Spouse, let's shoot the moon [euchre term] and see what happens."  We had lived there for 2 1/2 years and finally we were desperate.  Despite me drinking entirely too much cheap, red wine - we made a great group of friends after that night.

Anyway - my friend's invite for this evening, is so welcomed!  Now that I'm staring the clock down for when I'm to leave for it...I'm pooping my pants.  Am I supposed to feel like it's my first day of high school in a new town?  UM.....I do not believe so.  By this time in my life, I think I'm supposed to be past worrying about how I hate my hair and I'm sure no one will take me seriously because I'm overweight and that I'm positive I grew another chin this afternoon.

 This....all this inner dialogue that I have with myself...is crap.  SO....I'm writing this in my blog to expose it once and for all, realizing that it is normal to be nervous to meet new peers.  It is normal to hope new friendships will blossom from this evening's outing and it is normal that not everyone will think I'm the bees's knees.  And that is ok.  More than that, my lovely friend who invited me is awesome and I know the people she hangs with must be awesome too.  I am in safe company and I'm going to first, exhale.  Second, get ready.  Third, drive over to her house.  Fourth, sit down, relax and be open for an absolutely fabulous time of meeting other women from our town and learn about their interests.  Fifth, I do not have to cater to hubby or son's needs and whims tonight.   !?!?!?  :I    :)     :D    It's gonna be awesome! 

Supper

Can you guess what this is?

This is the pea soup I made 3 nights ago for supper.  I love split pea and ham soup....well...really any soup...but when I was a kid, I used to love to pop a can of Campbells split pea and ham soup into the microwave.  I haven't had any in yeeeeears and Steve's aunt left me a ham bone from the family gathering we had last weekend.  She knows how I like to cook.  I do think she thought I knew what to do with it.  I did not.  So, I googled it and applied the directions.  The ham bone made a beautiful stock!  So tasty.  I was thrilled!  Next, I rinsed my split peas and let them soak and cook in the ham stock.  I was feeling so domestic and Caroline Ingalls'ish again.  Stokin' my wood-burning fireplace fAHr with split pea and ham soup on the stove.  .....  The stove.  :(  My new pots and pans have told me they don't like our electric range.  It takes forever for the burners to warm up and then the burners go from warm to inferno and the only warning is the almost warm feeling they get on their bottoms before they have no choice but to burn whatever is inside.  For this story, it was the split peas and ham and gorgeous ham stock.  I have yet to discover a "simmer" on this blasted electric range.  It's either cool to touch or a scolding cauldron.  I'm not really complaining.  I'm just sort of having fun, making fun of myself as I added 2/3 cup of water to a glop of what looks like Oscar the Grouch puke-in-a-bowl, and set it in the microwave.  Even with the black crustyness floating throughout, it does beat Campbell's. 



However, hubby won't eat it.  He nearly dry-heaved the other night when I presented it as supper.  Fortunately, I hadn't filled his bowl and he silently fixed himself something else for supper.  LOL 

While I've taunted and tantalized friends tastebuds with pictures, on Facebook, of some of my baking treats - I decided to keep it real tonight by sharing my split pea and ham soup.  Pass the salt please! 

Sublime

Truly.  I sit here this evening and I am breathing and thanking God at the same time.  It is only Wednesday and we've been so productive this week.  I am excited again for the future.  I haven't felt this way since June.  When we moved here in June of 2010, I'd wake up every morning, pinching myself that we lived in this house and that we got to live in this town.  Before that, it was the first 3 months after Jacob was born.  I would get up for his 12:30 and 3:00 AM feedings and put him back to bed.  Then, I'd watch my digital clock as the numbers changed each minute, willing it to go faster.  Once it reached 5:00AM, I knew it was an acceptable time to get up and start my day, waiting for my sweet punkin' to wake up and we get to have a whole new day together.  It's the anticipation that life is good and I can't wait to see what we'll discover next.   

I'm so grateful to no longer feel like an alien.  I'm grateful my family is healthy and getting healthier.  I'm grateful for my friends and family that love me, really love me, and prayed for us as we came through so much.  I'm grateful for my Mary Kay director that has allowed me to take my time to sort through my personal life and then delve into the business at my own pace.  I am grateful that my husband loves me and came home and cooked supper tonight!  THAT was AWESOME!  I am grateful that Jacob is learning and growing and happy.  I am grateful that Hubby wants to go on a date Friday night...and next I'll be grateful for finding a sitter.  Any takers?  ;)  I am grateful for God being God and that He wants me to be me.  [Thank you Beck.] 

Good night dear ones.  I am grateful for YOU!

$13.86

That, $13.86, is the least expensive investment I have ever made.  The book, The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield, is an investment and I breathe a prayer as I write this that anyone just wanting to be the best version of themselves - will buy it and read it and be brave enough to apply it.  It is simple, yet profound. 

God, help me be brave enough to apply the principles, in this book.  It stirs me, and I just want to be who You want me to be, because if I'm not, my existence is senseless.  I want to be who You created me to be, as a testament to YOU that you are vast and colorful and not limited to dimensions, and net worths and titles, or religion.   Amen. 

It is time.

It is time to move on.  My time of being in disbelief and pain has come to an end.  I will make room for new dreams.  I will wish to hold you as close as ever, but know that I never really lost you.  You are still here - I will see you as the furious flame flickering, telling me there's air here or there, oxygen is present.  We keep breathing.  Thank you, my darling. 

Name

What's in a name?  You, who "Joined - Gift from God".  My life has forever been changed.  I've now been without you for as long as you were with me. It's 18 weeks ago today since I saw your feet & hand prints.  18 weeks ago today we named you on Melrose Avenue heading towards the hospital.  I used to drive that street to get to where your daddy lived, when we first started dating. 

When you were 16 weeks, growing inside of me, I saw you on that black and white fuzzy screen and I saw you were a boy.  You looked so healthy.  You were calm, cool and collected.  You smiled for the camera on that day- I discovered 2 weeks later.  When I got home, after learning we would have another son, I remember laying on my left side, on my bed.  My heart was troubled to get the perfect name.  I asked God, "What should his name be?"  I closed my eyes and the name "Levi" appeared on the screens of my eyelids.  The pressing to have your name made so much sense two weeks later.  I loved it.  Levi.  LEVI. What a simple, strong name.  Seeing and saying your name, brings that pang that I will never call you to come eat lunch or say your name on the phone when you may have been at Grandma's house, and I call to check-in.

I will keep saying your name, under my own breath.  Cuz no one else does.  I don't blame them - they didn't know you.  I can't sleep this night.  I'm aching.  I still get mad that each day goes so fast and gets further away from when you left.  I don't know if you sleep or if you're awake.  Just know that I'm so grateful you Joined us and you are our Gift from God.  I miss you and I find a portion of me is missing too, never to be found again until I'm with you.  In the meantime, I will do my best to fit in and to embrace this night.  It is always darkest and coldest before the dawn of a new day.  Come to me soon new day!

Realzees [sp.?]

Today.  Interesting.  My outlook is changing.  My tolerance for bullshit - zero.  My OK-ness with that?  Totally, completely OK.  I am not responsible for how anyone else receives my writing.  This book....

is changing my life.  For realzees y'all.  So much I could say...but that would be foolish of me.  I can't go giving away all my revelations that are just on the surface of truly being realized.  If you're curious, read it.  If you yearn for wondering what and how to move forward being that secretly brilliant person you believe, way in there that you are - read it.  If you like being coddled and have someone pat your tooshie and rely solely on passing the buck and blaming someone else, um...don't read it. 
To my Mama - thank  you for recommending it.  You are the most important woman, in my life.  Nothing will take that truth/fact away. 
This evening, while we wait for Hubby to arrive with Chinese take-out...hang on a sec...let me let that sink in...we can order chinese take-out, in this great town we LIVE in!  I am enjoying a glass of this.....

....thanks to my sis-in-law that left an opened bottle here last weekend.  Go to http://www.layercakewine.com/ and read what the wine maker's grandpa used to say.  It's so true. 

In the oven, is the second White Russian Blackberry Cheesecake I've made in 24 hours.  I made our test last night.  I'll be serving it at the Mustang Foundation Banquet tomorrow evening.  I made a few revisions.  I basically threw out the recipe and used the no-fail Grandma Helen Diers recipe for cheesecake while revising the crust and adding Kahlua and blackberries.  In essence, this is the first one I'm making - but it IS the one going to the banquet tomorrow night.  Here's a picture of what Hubby and I had for breakfast this morning....

I gotta say....this recipe had zero wow factor.  It could be the recipe stinks, or it could be it doesn't have chocolate in it.  That would make a difference to really make me go "WoW!"  It's still yummy...just no wow. 

Now.  For the closing before my weekend with my very own family starts - I am thanking God for the friends that are few and far between.  I have a handful of people that love me and have loved me and I love them, for nearly 20 years - come hell or high water.  One from this crew was by my side and held me the night Levi died.  Another one, has spoken into my life the past month, in ways that awakens the real me and causes me to feel connected again.  I am profoundly grateful for your lights, in my life.  I wish there was a way for me to split my chest and this swelling of my heart would be evident for you to see just how I feel about each of you.  It's great, it's big and it's true.  I pray blessings upon blessings for you and all my friends.  But mostly - thank you for listening to Him and following through.  I love you. 
Make it an amazing weekend!  xoxoxo