Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Chasm

I debate with myself whether to post about this or not. I've weighed it out and it's time to expose the raw fear and grief that is resurfacing in the past week. I guess I feel justified [though I don't know why I put that kind of pressure on myself to feel justified. It's my life, my experience, my blog...I should write what I want to.] because after enduring the loss of a baby, as many have, I am now feeling the loss again as the due date for Sweet Pea is drawing near. I feel alone, because I'm surrounded by new baby excitement and anticipation. I know I am not alone. I think I am blogging about it more than anything to hear from those whom have traveled this path before me. How did you handle it? How did you deal with the weeks leading to a new life you'd get to hold, while triggering the void of the one you didn't? It's not a question of, "Can I love this baby after Levi?" It's not a question at all. It feels like the file has been sealed. I will only be permitted to say, " I have two sons.", while knowing in my heart I have three and that if I go around saying that, I could end up committed. It's such a strange, weird, bizarre dream type of feeling. Where my reality doesn't meet up with everyone else's reality. That's why I feel alone....
I don't even know if I'm articulating what I feel. I'm trying to keep busy with projects and definitely being grateful. I would never want to sound ungrateful. I also don't want to keep my thoughts hidden on this subject. Too many of us have gone through miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss and we suffer silently. My body physically can't handle the silent part of that.  Talk it out with me, please. I feel like there is a chasm I have to bridge, in my heart. 

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