A Taste...

Announcing a "Taste of Bennett Steven"...

He came almost 4 weeks prior to scheduled c-section, weighing 6lbs. 12oz. and was 20 1/2 inches long. Isn't he beautiful? He is still in NICU growing and developing stronger lungs to process room air oxygen, and waiting for him to develop to nurse. He is exactly his age gestationally - so he's acting his age. Look for more on his birth story to come. For now, know that he is perfect and my favorite thing in the world is to snuggle him skin to skin and watch his darling mouth turn upward as he responds to my voice or giggle or hearing me sing his name. Big brother is still waiting to meet him due to having a nasty cold/cough the past week.

We are in love, all of us, with each other more than before and so elated to add this little buddy to our line of sons. :D

Know what's not overrated?

Kind words. Offers of help or asking what one can do to help, instead of helping in the way one desires to help. Hugs. Friends that come alongside - they can be friends I've had most of my life or beautiful humans I've only known a year or LESS. Feeling the fresh little spirit, encased in a body, growing in my body, bump and kick as he quickly runs out of room. Tums, even if only for a few minutes, bring serious relief from heartburn and vurps. Positive attitudes that still recognize the real pain a friend goes through and instead of pointing out the "up" side, just let us know they love us. Snuggles and kisses of my firstborn. Being a mama and doing homework with Boy Wonder and having real discussions on rides to and from school. He's presently distressed at the amount of toilet paper that is messing up neighbors lawns and hanging from our downtown trees, in honor of homecoming week. He thinks it is "mean". His Grandma Mimi will be happy to know that. ;) Going to sleep next to my Love.
I am blessed and reflecting on the gestures of love and kindness my family and I have received this week when we've passed the anniversary of Levi's death and as we run to the finish line of the arrival of Sweet Pea. There have been many hurdles to jump - and we've done it.
Thank you God. YOU are not overrated.

100 [revised]

This is my 100th blog post. I've been taking time to go back through and read the 99 previous posts. In just over 9 months, we've had roughly 5200 views. I'm humbled. I don't know who is reading as often as this, unless you become a follower. I also welcome comments. Feel free to let me know you're reading or if you find me offensive or hilarious or boring. ;)
I read and found interesting the post from last December about my goals for 2011. I have not learned to play guitar or piano this year...but I still have 2 1/2 months. ;) I have not lost 60lbs. but have gained 24 - due to our baby that is coming in the next 5-6 weeks! :) Get pregnant? Check! It has been a stressful pregnancy. I believe all mamas that have suffered a loss of baby will agree - the pregnancy following, is a real challenge to keep, mentally and emotionally positive about. Of course, I've had several, out of the ordinary factors with this pregnancy to keep fear close by. Also "real" life has been affecting my extended family since March in ways I am not free to divulge. But it has made it very trying to not be worried about certain family members and let go and let God. However, we are almost to the end of the pregnancy. I believe, unless God has different plans, we will be finished trying to grow our family. I find that while I always dreamt of having 4-6 children, I am content with my two boys we'll raise and one who's presence I'm always aware of because of how he changed me in such a short time.  God knows my heart always ached for a daughter. I'm prepared to let this go mainly because using phrases like, "suck it up!" or "quit crying like a girl!" just would not be condusive to raising a girl. ;) I see and believe God knows best. You really can talk differently to boys than you can girls.
I am reflecting and thinking much about my Levi the past week and today. The smells of Autumn, while it is my favorite time of year, are awakening flashbacks. Even the calendar with annual events and Facebook events are bright, flashing reminders of the darkest days of my life, from nearly a year ago. I try not to dwell long here, because I feel like I'm cheating my little, darling, sweet boy growing inside of me [Presently he has a wicked case of hiccups- no doubt enjoying the pork roast and sauerkraut we had for lunch because he's been doing a jig the entire time I've been typing]. However, last week, my doctor gave me "permission" that what I'm feeling is normal and common and to feel it and let it out of my system. I am viewing my time in the hospital for Sweet Pea's birth as a vacation for me. Onto - My Jacob. My firstborn. All of these years we've wanted to give him a sibling, here, on earth. I am soaking up my afternoon and evenings with Jacob. So much is changing and it's all good, but there is a part of me that feels sad that my concentrated time with him is coming to a close. He is LOVING kindergarten! His favorite stories are David & Goliath, Joshua and the walls of Jericho and oddly enough, Adam and Eve. I've actually told him I don't want to read that one for a while because I'm sick of it. ;) Personally, I would have preferred for many reasons, they would not have eaten of the fruit. The reason at the forefront of my mind right now is before they ate of the fruit,they were not ashamed of their nakedness. I wish I could be innocent enough to run around my home naked...not the neighborhood or town or Walmart...just home. Clothing sucks at this stage of the pregnancy.
On that note, I don't know when I'll write again. I have a one-track mind. I'm in nesting mode and focusing on enjoying these last few weeks of probably our last pregnancy.
Thank you for reading and following. Give me some time, I know I'll get back in the swing of things. I am amazed at how much creativity is zapped out of me while actually creating a human. ;)

**Revision/Correction**
Actually, with Blogger's new interface, I just learned that I'm at 84 published posts and 16 drafts to make a total of 100 posts. So, this is not my official 100th published post. I learn something new every day! :D

The joys….

Can I get a “what what” for Ocean Spray sparkling juices please? I need to get diet next time….but these things are delicious! A pregnant lady can only drink so much water.

With seven weeks to go [when the c-section has been scheduled for], I’ve lost count of the comments about how I’m ready to pop any day now. It cracks me up. My favorites are the faces after I smile and light up my eyes and say, “Nope, 6-7 weeks to go!” Their mouths drop open and pity comes a-pourin’ out. I really don’t mind what people say to me about my growing baby belly. I get a sort of weird sense of pride. In my mind I’m thinking, “Ya…it don’t get much more woman than this – growing a Diers-Hoffman boy.” Laying in bed last night, watching tv, a commercial came on for some type of food, I can’t remember now what it was. Steve says, “You’re pregnant – why don’t you crave stuff like that?” He asks because he wants it in the house for him. I reply with, “ I crave steak.” We laughed. I felt like I should pound on my chest as I said it.

I’m not going to lie. I’m starting to freak out about how different activities are going to work over the next several weeks. I forgot how difficult it is to roll over in bed. I also didn’t want to be reminded of the numbness that can occur on the inner thighs with any exertion at all. It’s a strange thing when you realize your pelvis is mostly numb and you’re supposed to continue walking but you feel like your torso is disconnected and your legs are walking behind you. Very strange. Thank goodness for tennis shoes. I can’t afford pedicures as often as I need them. My Mizunos provide excellent comfort and support as well as hide my feet, which short of being hairy, look like they belong to Frodo Baggins. Also, thank goodness for a pretty face. No one is noticing how I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks because they’re looking at my belly, my cleavage or my face, which none bother me at all. Go ahead and look because this is the body of a proud mama cooking a little human that is going to add so much color and flavor to our lives and many lives which he encounters. I can’t wait to look in his face and call him by name.

A break.

I have recently, in order to process some things, gone back through and read when this blog started. We have had almost 5,000 page views in 9 months. I think that is astounding. Thank you dear readers. As I read through those first few months of posts, I could feel a definite change as time moved on - like I’ve turned this into more of a journal. The creative writing, while it had a long way to go, has been buried …..somehow. I believe it’s because I’ve been preoccupied with growing our newest member of our family. I can’t apologize for this. I am who I am. I don’t feel like my posts of late, are me. I feel like they are the ramblings of a shallow victim.  Right now, I’m a cocoon of a precious life and I don’t like to dig too deep inside of myself for those real, gritty places to pour out from.  I’m disappointed in myself to not go full hog and share things that are thought provoking and relatable. Therefore, I’m taking a break until I can write about the stuff that matters. For real. The stuff that matters forever. When I write, I desire to dig deeper and stay close to the raw. I feel myself being drawn to nest and settle in for the last leg of this pregnancy. My Boy Wonder started kindergarten this week. Now is a time to realign priorities and making visions come to pass for my family AND rest. Creativity be mine – for me and for my family the next several weeks. I know that while I have not been pouring out song or poem or writing – you are forming a reserve and deep well inside of my son growing strong and beautiful inside. Thank you!

9 weeks to go

I have not been practicing to keep it cool and go with the flow. Physically, I’m not doing anything I can’t do because I literally tucker out so fast. I know that compared to many other pregnant mommies I sound like a big baby. WAAAAAAAHAAAHAAAAWAAAA! I am quite uncomfortable the past 4 days and I’m trying to say to myself, “ONLY 9 weeks to go! ” instead of “Holy shit – 9 weeks to go. "  I was talking to my mom on the phone last night. The thought occurred to me that I have 10 more days until my Boy Wonder starts kindergarten and every day I’ve been beating myself up over the stuff I’d want to have done before baby brother arrives. Guess what I did this morning? I determined to only do stuff with Jacob. My dirty dishes from last night aren’t even done yet today. I will have 6 hours a day to get things done while he is in school in 10 days. SO…..we played Candy Land in bed this morning. He let me nap off and on because I am exhausted. He stayed by me and watched a movie. I’d wake up and he was right there. The one time he had made me a “Fire Exit Strategy” paper. I went and got the Flip camera to record him because I knew I’d want to have that for posterity. He made his own buttered toast this morning. It’s amazing watching  him do these things. I’m feeling guilt because I’m not outside with him in this gorgeous weather. I just need more energy. Tomorrow, I have a doctor appointment. It’s the glucose screening. I imagine the blood work will reveal I have low iron. I was taking iron a while ago, but it was having some strange effects and so I decided, “Well, maybe I won’t need it this time!” It’s not a wonder that the only thing I crave is red meat!

I do have a standard, in mind, of how I want the house to be by the time Sweet Pea arrives. Why? Because it is how I am built. I’m just giving up the carrying out of this vision and guilt of not getting it done while I  have my Boy Wonder at home. So, I may be calling on a few of you to come help me. If nothing else, it would be fun to have someone to laugh and talk with while I take on these tasks.

Major relief came yesterday when Hubby and I decided on a name. Ha! No! We are not sharing. It is the surprise we like to make everyone wait for. It does feel good to know we have it mostly decided. I love it. I absolutely love it. I am so excited to see my Jacob and his baby brother and to hold them against me, together, for the first time. There are no words, only glossy eyes.

Minions

Funny story and insight as to how my hubby and I tick. So, there is an even more hilarious story that happened prior to the one I'm blogging about...but it would be really embarassing to put it in a blog. Not for me, but for hubby. Sometimes, I get diarrhea of the mouth and show little restraint and my hubby is far more private.
However, I won't disappoint ... he gave me good blogging material last night. We had a lazy evening. This. Never. Happens. It was great. We were watching Restaurant Impossible on the Food Network. Chef Robert Irvine is pretty intense and he knows what he wants and he gets what he wants. It's not just editing - he really does get what he wants from the design team and restaurant owners and staff on each episode. He has great vision. He drives the whole team to accomplish terrific feats with VERY limited time. He's not polite about it and he doesn't coddle anyone. I'm sitting there getting irritated. So, I identify my frustration and ask hubby, "Why can't I get the results he does by making my expectation known and getting the help to see it accomplished?" Steve turns his head to look at me. There it is - the look of complete neutrality. One of Steve's strong suits is he does not get riled, he does not let confrontation - true confrontation EVER happen. Harumph. How annoying for someone that enjoys arguing. Steve says, "Robert Irvine is a well-established, renowned chef." I interrupt, "So? I'm a well-established wife! I have great vision for things in our home and I ask nicely and  have to wait and wait and wait and I just want some things done." Again, with that look. [I should clarify, I'm not really talking about spending money on things in our home...more of needing help moving things and getting them to where I want them and ok..maybe a little bit of spending money.] I say, "Oh, I know what. We need to hire me some employees. Robert Irvine pays those people to carry out his demands and vision." Steve laughs at this, "Ya. How do we explain to applicants what they're applying for?" Then he says, in a high-pitched [what he thinks is my voice], "I'm hiring someone to do my wishes." Of course, I'm laughing like an idiot by this time. AND here comes the example of what he does every time I start to feel agitated about anything - he makes me roar with laughter. "Honey, you don't need employees. You need minions." After sleeping on it, I wake up this morning with this question: How do I breed minions like the fella, from the movie,Despicable Me?
Thank you for the huge laughs the past 15 hours Steve!