Monday, September 12, 2011

100 [revised]

This is my 100th blog post. I've been taking time to go back through and read the 99 previous posts. In just over 9 months, we've had roughly 5200 views. I'm humbled. I don't know who is reading as often as this, unless you become a follower. I also welcome comments. Feel free to let me know you're reading or if you find me offensive or hilarious or boring. ;)
I read and found interesting the post from last December about my goals for 2011. I have not learned to play guitar or piano this year...but I still have 2 1/2 months. ;) I have not lost 60lbs. but have gained 24 - due to our baby that is coming in the next 5-6 weeks! :) Get pregnant? Check! It has been a stressful pregnancy. I believe all mamas that have suffered a loss of baby will agree - the pregnancy following, is a real challenge to keep, mentally and emotionally positive about. Of course, I've had several, out of the ordinary factors with this pregnancy to keep fear close by. Also "real" life has been affecting my extended family since March in ways I am not free to divulge. But it has made it very trying to not be worried about certain family members and let go and let God. However, we are almost to the end of the pregnancy. I believe, unless God has different plans, we will be finished trying to grow our family. I find that while I always dreamt of having 4-6 children, I am content with my two boys we'll raise and one who's presence I'm always aware of because of how he changed me in such a short time.  God knows my heart always ached for a daughter. I'm prepared to let this go mainly because using phrases like, "suck it up!" or "quit crying like a girl!" just would not be condusive to raising a girl. ;) I see and believe God knows best. You really can talk differently to boys than you can girls.
I am reflecting and thinking much about my Levi the past week and today. The smells of Autumn, while it is my favorite time of year, are awakening flashbacks. Even the calendar with annual events and Facebook events are bright, flashing reminders of the darkest days of my life, from nearly a year ago. I try not to dwell long here, because I feel like I'm cheating my little, darling, sweet boy growing inside of me [Presently he has a wicked case of hiccups- no doubt enjoying the pork roast and sauerkraut we had for lunch because he's been doing a jig the entire time I've been typing]. However, last week, my doctor gave me "permission" that what I'm feeling is normal and common and to feel it and let it out of my system. I am viewing my time in the hospital for Sweet Pea's birth as a vacation for me. Onto - My Jacob. My firstborn. All of these years we've wanted to give him a sibling, here, on earth. I am soaking up my afternoon and evenings with Jacob. So much is changing and it's all good, but there is a part of me that feels sad that my concentrated time with him is coming to a close. He is LOVING kindergarten! His favorite stories are David & Goliath, Joshua and the walls of Jericho and oddly enough, Adam and Eve. I've actually told him I don't want to read that one for a while because I'm sick of it. ;) Personally, I would have preferred for many reasons, they would not have eaten of the fruit. The reason at the forefront of my mind right now is before they ate of the fruit,they were not ashamed of their nakedness. I wish I could be innocent enough to run around my home naked...not the neighborhood or town or Walmart...just home. Clothing sucks at this stage of the pregnancy.
On that note, I don't know when I'll write again. I have a one-track mind. I'm in nesting mode and focusing on enjoying these last few weeks of probably our last pregnancy.
Thank you for reading and following. Give me some time, I know I'll get back in the swing of things. I am amazed at how much creativity is zapped out of me while actually creating a human. ;)

Actually, with Blogger's new interface, I just learned that I'm at 84 published posts and 16 drafts to make a total of 100 posts. So, this is not my official 100th published post. I learn something new every day! :D

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