We're not gonna take it ......anymore!

Wow. So....when I posted the last post, I didn't realize how long it would be until I actually did post again. I kept holding off...I missed blogging, but I'm a stickler on it being inspired. 

You may remember when I posted in January of 2012 about juicing. Or not. ;) I went on a 3.5 day juice fast after watching the documentary film on Netflix - Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. It changed my life. It is still changing my life. I juiced regularly January and February of 2012. At some point, I stopped. What I do remember is about the third week in March, pain racked my body something horrible. I could not walk up and down our basement steps. I could not get on the floor with Bennett [who is now 2 days from being 20 months old!]. This frightened me.I was not myself...dealing with the physical pain and trying to get through with two little boys, I was cranky and inconsistent. I felt like an imposter had taken over my body. It was the hardest thing, with the pain, to muster  up any interest in anyone else. I was obsessed with me.  It took everything in me to attend commitments and I couldn't wait to leave or for company to leave because then I could turn off the fake smile and go lay down. I waited until April before making an appointment with our doctor. The tests showed high inflammation and high something or other signaling an auto immune something or other. He referred me to a rheumatologist, whom I may add, has been a royal pain in my butt because his bedside manner and compassion factor rival that of Simon Cowell. I felt like he was interested in labeling it and giving me a drug. The end. He labeled it fibromyalgia and gave me tramadol. The purpose of tramadol? To cause my mind to perceive the pain differently. It doesn't get to the source of the problem. It masks it. I was prescribed these pills in June. I tried them for a couple days and they made me so loopy that I refused to take them. I knew how to function with the pain and the boys and hubby's crazy schedule. I was not about to relearn how to function as one who felt drunk and buzzed while mothering and taking care of my family. I also am not a pill popper naturally. I have barely been on THE pill my whole life because I knew it wasn't my hormones in the pills...so I didn't want a synthetic or fake hormones either.
By August, I was encouraged to start taking the medicine, by family. They knew I wasn't me. So, I buckled down and struggled for almost 2 months of fog and funk ..and it did help the pain. I was glad to not have pain. I was also in the beginning of a weight loss journey. The end of June, I made a decision to start eating better and exercising. I started running. Weight was coming off fast and by  November, I lost 40 lbs. Flare ups with fibromyalgia would still happen though. It was mostly triggered by stress and weather. I would endure flares, even while taking 400mg of tramadol/day. The rheumatologist was very pleased with my progress and could see the pain was MUCH less. The past month - 6 weeks has been rough because it's been damp, humid, rainy weather in Iowa. I had a 6 month check up with the rheumatologist and went in with an open mind and the belief that he was going to find me another solution besides tramadol. I believe I had endured some withdrawal from missing a couple doses of tramadol, scattered here and there. Twice in the middle of the night, I awoke in a clammy sweaty mess, limbs flailing uncontrollably. A third time was after lunch when I missed a dose at morning time...the muscles wanted to start shooting directions and I was clammy and sweaty. THIS is where the title of my post comes in....

I described this to the doctor and asked him if there was something else I could take that would not be so ... I don't know...addictive or  intense on my system. He looked at me and said, "Tramadol is not giving you withdrawal. You are having panic attacks." I was so shocked at this that my filter evaporated and I looked at him and said, "bullshit." He replied, "Oh you know so much?" I squared up and looked in his eyes and said, "I know my own body." As they say in Star Wars, "Negotiations were short"..or something like that. His remedy: Take tramadol or have pain. Because he wouldn't prescribe a narcotic for chronic pain and I didn't need an anti-depressant. [No shit Sherlock. I don't want either of those either ...thanks for nothing.] I left incredibly frustrated. HERE is where frustration and anger are excellent motivators....I came home, hubby and I talked. I asked Steve, "Do you think it is possible that I  determine I am not going to have this "disease" anymore and then I don't?" My darling Man of Men looked at me and said, "Yes." We made the decision and I was immediately reminded of the juice fast I did two Januarys ago and how after a few days of the fast, I had no pain. [At that point the pain had not been as crippling as it became later...nonetheless...I knew I didn't have it.] We went and got loaded up on all the necessary produce to start juicing. NOT a fast....yet. When I do a fast...I want to be prepared and not set myself up for mental failure. 

This decision led me to watch the half dozen documentaries I had in my netflix queue for the past year and a half. My favorite? Food Matters. Watch it. My inspiration though is Fat, Sick or Nearly Dead.

Now...here's the other thing. Fibromyalgia is an auto-immune disease. The rheumatologist told me that it set in when I had sepsis infection, in my body, during the miscarriage of Levi. Why? Because my body was fighting the infection and the hospital was pumping me with 4 different IVs of antibiotics....it left my nerves...vulnerable - wide open. That is the doctor's answer. I will add, my body couldn't fight well either because I lacked nutrition ...and the pain manifested more and more because I wasn't nourishing my body nor dealing with stress properly, in the year and a half after that infection.  Is this reversible? I absolutely believe so! 

In 10 days of taking 2 juices a day, supplementing my regular diet and yes, still having a sugary something here and there....I have reduced my med dosage by one dose/day and have had no ill effects or "panic attacks". hee hee [couldn't resist.] I also have SO much more energy and am sleeping wonderfully at night. I haven't slept well ...in months and months. Juicing daily is a part of my lifestyle now. 

My posts and the purpose of writing is now about eating real food and utilizing natural methods/ways/tools, to allow the Creator's glory to be shown through a vessel He created and designed perfectly....with the proper fueling and exercise and stress management. Am I naive? Yes! I wouldn't change a thing. Child-like faith is what we are encouraged to have. I have it. Will I say stuff that pisses people off? Probably. Is that my intention? No. I just want to be as real through this journey as possible. Will I have critics and those that want to advise me against this? Already have. I am determined to reverse fibromyalgia because I am not interested in being one of those pathetic, sick people on the stupid commercials relying on drugs to not even cure the root of the problem but to just exist. Malnutrition [more of us suffer from this than you think!] is the root of all kinds of ailments/diseases and disorders. I am responsible for my health. I want life abundant! I have an abundant life!

Please join me on this journey. We will be learning so much good together. I am no expert. The information is too good to not share and spread around....it's like evangelizing our community(ies) for real health. 

Yours Truly,

Beth

Returning...

Hello!
I will be back in 2013. I took a much needed hiatus the last quarter of 2012. So much has happened, so much good to share, so much healing and given me time to prepare to share with you how I've been drawing closer to be the one God created me to be. So, join me this year - it's gonna be fun. Happy New Year to you all sweet readers, each and every one!

Love & Grace,
Beth

The Thaw

I still don’t know how to process…nearly two years later…

I am hurt because I never really had you.

It’s not just the losing you, but the knowing I was losing me too…That weekend I didn’t know what to do and no one, not even I was willing to make a priority for me and for you. I froze.

That night…the darkest of my life. The beginning of the loneliest of my days, Knowing that not even my husband could begin to feel my pain.

I want to be raw for your memory. For the air I didn’t get to watch you breathe. It’s all quite selfish you see…it’s more about me. Lord knows there are days that I wish I were with you instead of being here for the ones I love too dearly to have to be with me. I started running to reconnect to the rhythm of how I felt, to be close to those days again. Just as time moves on and time heals all wounds, that feeling lasted the first day of my running. The next, that “feeling” was gone and I was focused on moving forward. Is it normal for part of me to not want to move on? Death is a part of life and grief is to not be ignored. The sights, smells and sounds, of this season –my favorite season, remind me of you more. Yesterday, I started crying again about not having anymore babies…but when I really ask myself why I want them….it’s in hopes of finding you….

…. my Angel. My Levi. The name I whisper on my pillow each and every night. I know you’ll know me – just allow me my moments of sadness, for Nothing would be better than having you here.

A-Ha Moments!

I’m having several of these at once this morning. I have to blog it so that I have it to reference when I find myself getting off course or tempted to.

Beth [yes I am writing to myself]:

Don’t give up the peace in your gut for pleasing others. Others don’t have to live inside of you or think your thoughts or live with your regrets. Also, this is a slippery slope on the way to losing yourself. History has shown that when pleasing others, it can be compared to one with an insatiable appetite and we say they have a “hollow leg”. People prey on those that live to please others and fully take advantage. Bottom line? YOU are worth MORE by being YOU than by aiming to please anyone else. When pleasing and being true to yourself, the ones that matter the most to you ARE happier! By the way, they don’t only matter to you….they’re happier because YOU matter to them!  Another note: when you keep trying to please others, the ones that are in your life that would be really good for you are not drawn to you. You know why? Because you’re not being authentic.

Therefore, put the time in to do what you NEED, in order to do what you WANT. You are already equipped with every tool to be able to do this. Don’t think so much. What have some of the women in your life shown you? The seasoned ones? They do what makes them happy with no regard to others. Do the same…do it now…don’t wait another 30 years to feel the freedom to do it after you’ve lived a while longer. Just do it. What others think of it…is their thing to deal with.

You’ve got this. You can do this. You are tired, so rest. Be still and know….that He is God and you are not. Strength and vision come from practicing this. Just walk the path He’s laid before you. Just walk it. Don’t look back to see if you have smiling faces - full of approval and validation. It’s not their path. It’s yours. They have their own path to walk. Besides, it’s depressing and boring as shit, being a spectator in your own path of Life. Everyone has to walk their own path. You’ve got this…walk it.

 

Love & Grace,

Yourself

This Mother’s Prayer

My Boy Wonder has been 6 years old for  2 hours and 48 minutes. He’s asleep in his bed and as I started pondering the evening we had, when I was working, my thoughts eventually meandered to my firstborn and his special day – our special day. I laid in bed choking back tears as I thought about the things I must say to him.

“My heart beats differently, the pace, the rhythm, the purpose. No one prepared me for the new eyes I’d look at life through, the moment they laid you in my arms. I looked into your face - Yes Jacob, it all began with you.

Every day, I see you growing older. Some days, I watch you grow by the minute. May you always know, no matter how tall you become or how old you are – no one can love you the way your father and I do.

Let me say now, while my heart is fresh and open from thanking God and crying because I am amazed He gave you to me….it is my duty to say….

Sail Free! I pray you know HE is your anchor and we are a safe place through any storm. In the midst of every day life, our child, we pray we show you to Stand Strong! Never be afraid of who you are. Dance Wild – life is short, take it by the arms and dance a whirling dervish. Play Hard – there is time to work AND breathe in the air so don’t put off the time to play for tomorrow.

You are a magical little boy. You won’t always be a little boy. While you are, one of my many prayers is for your innocence to be protected and that you embrace a different way than what is common and appears easy. I don’t know how to protect your innocence fully and have to trust God on so much, in this day and age where simple-mindedness is celebrated. Just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy. Talk to God. That’s all praying is, just talk to Him.  Learn to love the still, small voice, that is your guide, your conscience, the Helper and Comforter. Be still and know He’s always there.

I know you know I love you. I wish you could know just how. When I think of you, your daddy and  your brothers – the word “love” just doesn’t cut it. I pray you each see and feel it when you look into my eyes. So….together let’s

Sail Free! Stand Strong! Dance Wild and Play Hard!”

Happy Birthday Boy Wonder!

Love & Grace,

Your Mama

Accomplishments!

My Darling has had quite the week! In fact, my family and I all have. The weekend of Bennett’s first Father’s Day, he cut his first teeth – both the front bottom and began crawling. Earlier, in the week, he figured out how to sit up on his own and put his binky, in his mouth, the right-side up. I have to say this – he is SUCH an easy baby. Of course he looks like a toddler. He wears 24 month clothes. People don’t believe me when I’ve said the past two weeks that he’s 8 mos. old. He travels easily, goes down for naps easily, eats well, plays well on his own. He’s been sort of fussy the past couple weeks out of frustration to get crawling….but unless he’s hungry or tired or has poopy pants – he smiles and chatters all the time. The way Bennett talks is awesome. He growls and he’s loud. He growls when he’s happy or frustrated.

I took this pic of him. It was the first time he knocked his basket of toys over. Awwww…

Jacob has had a fantastic week too. Father’s Day morning – Boy Wonder and I went golfing with Daddy.

We had a great time and it filled the need to just have our #1 with us for a bit, to ourselves. I miss those times too. He LOVES swiffering. He LOVED swiffering – until I used the phrase, “Thank you so much for helping me with a chore.” Ugh…really? Yep…I really used that word – chore. Ugh again.

Take a look at my garden!

I must thin out the broccoli [far left]. I will pick lettuce this evening!

My tomatoes are starting to get a few yellow blossoms here and there…

The white planter has cucumbers in it. I’m not sure if they’re going to do well or not. The larger pot are my green beans. I bought the small trellises for them to vine up.

Back along the house, I’ve planted hollyhocks from seed. I love the way they look when they’re blooming. I am excited about transforming this side of the house and yard into my “Secret Garden”. I am also trying to grow some Lupine, Columbine and Delphinium from seeds. It takes time ….and much patience, but I have great hopes for this being a very colorful spot in our neighborhood. ….eventually.   

I am excited to write the next post. We leave this week for a mini vacay to Arkansas. One of my dear friends is getting married. I can’t wait to post pics and share with you next week why and how she became a lifelong friend. I am also excited to share about how a 10 hour drive goes with our two boys. I think it will be great….I’m sure it will be then, right?

To end this post, I leave you with a few pics from the week.

Love & Grace,

Beth

Jacob was playing farmer. When I appeared, he asked, “What are you doin’ here, in these parts? I’m from the east and you’re from the west.”

My Darling loves his baths.

The boys with their Father’s Day present to their wonderful Daddy.

This is one of those pics…where it’s evident I’m not in my 20s anymore. It’s so weird, how in my mind, I don’t look anything like this lady. ???? But…we had a wonderful morning together on the golf course and I love him so much.

Taken this morning – My Darling and Boy Wonder. We are blessed and grateful for happy, silly, determined, joyful, willful, healthy boys.

Abrasive? It’s not about you.

I wrote a poem....or something. I don't know what these things are called when I let them come out. It's after a life-long series of lessons on being emotionally available to people that don't deserve it. Don't be emotionally available to anyone but God and your spouse....maybe a close, close friend. Truly? Have some confidence that since God made you for relationship and He lives inside of us....that together you and Him can figure it out, move on and be fulfilled. He really does exist and He really is WHO we need. Only He knows all that we're capable of as individuals and can lead us to carry it out. Humans are not capable of this kind of love. I have been a fool to keep thinking and waiting and hoping they are - no matter what "position" they hold in your life. I was inspired to title this one "Worthy". A friend sent me a charm after Levi died. I would stare at it and not get it. I knew she was trying to tell me I'm worthy. But I really didn't get it. After starting this piece over a year ago....it flowed and came out and finished very easily this morning. It flowed out as if Eminem was throwing out the lyric.......it's not enjoyable, but it is freeing for me. I get it now.

Worthy

Just one beat and you dance to their tune. You don't know you, more than they do. Cut your strings, quit acting to keep the show on. You are worthy to live and to truly be who- YOU- are. No more threats or drama, no more lies or twisting. If you can't know you're worthy, no one else will! Love yourself, it's no one's job but yours. They don't like your dreams? your personality? your choices for happiness? A no-drama mess? Too bad! The only thing thicker than blood is the crap they choose to swim in. Get out! Quit waiting, and wishing and hoping they'll be different. They're not and you are- so quit fearin' and allowin' yourself to be stuck there with them. Stop sharing your problems and being vulnerable to them. They're vultures. Their mind games will chew through your guts and flesh, in order to scavenge your harvest. Just cuz they don't know how to love what is good for them, doesn't mean you should repeat the same cycle over. They already know that you love them. While it's not enough, they're about to learn that you've become indifferent and you're as good as gone. Love yourself. God is big in all of us and life is greater than what it has seemed. Go in peace, keep your heart clean, don't look back, and run with the wind baby. You are worthy to be free.