Morning prayer

Thank you for the cool, crisp breeze.
Thank you for the sway of the trees.
Thank you for the coffee in my hand and the
sweet dreams in my little one's head.
Thank you for the love of good friends-
the ones I've had for years and the ones I haven't met.
When I think I'm lost, and I look around -
it's your splendor that reminds me, "I am not lost. I. Am. Found."
Maker, with our words, our thoughts, our deeds- may we bring to You - everlasting praise.

Nesting

Good Monday morning! =D I always welcome a weekend and I always welcome Mondays. Sundays are like the primer on a wall to paint a fresh new week. We had a fun, relaxing, quality-time weekend since Hubby had a 3 day weekend. An exciting development for us this week, are the kicks I can now feel on the outside of my tummy. Of course, when Hubby puts his hand to feel, Sweet Pea won't budge. heehee We are now 21 weeks. I have finally picked out colors for his nursery. All I have done is mostly emptied the nursery in preparation for our little nest. There will be major shifts in beds and furniture to prepare for our new little boy. I have been collecting ideas and creativity nuggets from favorite blogs.
This weekend, I also decided on the general theme I want throughout our home. I think it's set up ideally to feel like a cottage. Our kitchen, once I enlist some help to remove tacky wallpaper border and wallpaper for the backsplash, will be decorated in the navy blue and oatmeal crockery with accents of granny smith apple green. These are the two items I've had setting next to each other on my table for a few days and it brings me pleasure to look at them together. It's a total accident that I love.

I want to paint my cabinets an off-white color, glaze them for an antique finish and put on new hardware. Alas, I'm in no position to try and tackle the cabinets, on my own and hubby is not digging the idea of [gasp] painting solid wood cabinet doors. I just know it will brighten up our kitchen and update it without the expense of buying new cabinets. You know what else I love? Those blue metal plates/cups/pitchers/pots with the white speckles on them. Who can tell me what the proper name is for them? As a kid, I called them camping dishes. I can envision a hutch full of milk glass dishes. Are there also milk glass dishes in a green color? That's what I keep seeing, in my mind, but I don't even know if it exists.
Well, dears, I must get on with painting this new week.

Friday

Ahhhhhh….I love days like yesterday. We spent the day in hubby’s quaint hometown in northeast Iowa. Then we raced home to make Jacob’s t-ball game. We finished the evening with a trip to Fareway, for some excellent cuts of beef. Jacob chose some fine new cowboy boots from a store in Elkader, called the Turkey River Mall. It’s a 3-story building in downtown Elkader, with oodles and gobs of rooms which vendors rent and sell there creations or secondhand items or collections or antiques. One can purchase anything from primitives to dining room sets from the 1950s to kitschy toys or tableware. Jacob was very excited to show off his new boots in Elkader and in Independence[pictured below in Fareway]. We purchased a picture by artist, Billy Jacobs. The print, which I am loving for it’s simplicity and wholesomeness I feel, when I gaze at, is called, Sweet Corn For Sale. I really haven’t been able to quit thinking about the shops in Elkader. I visited an enchanting secondhand store called The Copper Frog. I want to go back today. The Copper Frog is magical. I saw so many things I wished I could buy, if I had places to put them. There were many things I would have purchased if I didn’t have a budget and list of upcoming things I need to buy for.

I am soon going to need to purchase a new camera. I apologize for the blurry quality of the pictures below, but Jacob is not exactly still-life.  

I hope your weekend is just the way you like it!

Perfect

Pink’s song….I <3 this song SO much! My brain is inundated with examples of the pressure to be perfect and it’s all a joke. God said it first, we are created in His image and he wants us for relationship. He doesn’t want us because He needs an ego fed to adore and bow down to Him. When I think of the relationships I have, they are less than perfect…..much less…..and yet I value them, cherish them – I appreciate that we can speak openly with each other, be it excitement, sorrow, anger, joy, reflection, etc. We can mess up and be truly sorry and come back together. We are perfect to God – just the way we are. A couple weeks ago, when Steve and I were told by our doctor that Sweet Pea didn’t have 3 blood vessels in his umbilical cord and there was a 50% chance he would be born with a genetic disease – I did not praise my Maker. We knew that no matter what, we would love our son and be excited for his life. However, I said to God through gritted teeth, “If you created Mt. Everest and the seasons and made Eve from dust and a rib of a man, then you frickin’ [edited version] put three blood vessels in his umbilical cord!” I was not kidding. I do not feel guilt for talking to God that way. I’m feeling a little bit of anxiety right now for admitting, on a blog, that I did….but I’m pushing it aside because if we can’t be real with the One that made us and has a purpose for us…..who needs it and I do need Him and want Him.  After the high risk ultrasound, 10 days later, the tech saw 3 vessels right away. It’s more than likely that the vessel was there and the equipment, in our clinic couldn’t see it. The creation of a baby is a miracle…and my doctor told me there was a slim risk that he wouldn’t be able to survive outside the womb, if he had a certain genetic disease, with only a 2 vessel cord. Of course, my doctor told me all of these things when referring me to the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics because of my age[ what the hell? I still think I’m  24.], my own *issues* that I was born with, and the history of losing Levi Matthew. It took me about 4 days to swim through the shock of this fear, that there was something deficient in me, to not be able to produce a healthy baby. AFTER, I lashed out at God, I started to remember the opposite of fear. Faith. No matter what evidence is given and presented and how it’s packaged in reality – it does not have to be the reality. I started to close my eyes and SEE 3 vessels in his umbilical cord, and I had to change my attitude. God has given me an amazing life. I’m not saying I took these actions with gusto and enthusiasm….I had many people lifting my family, myself and our Sweet Pea in prayer. THANK YOU to those who were strong for me when I literally felt depleted. As we were sitting in the ultrasound room, waiting for the doctors to come in to verify the tech’s report, and had uncontrollably sobbed for a couple minutes, as relief flooded my soul. I remembered what I had said to God 10 days before. I shared it with Steve. Then, I smiled through glossy eyes and tear-streaked Mary Kay face, “God likes when I talk to Him like that.” Don’t we feel closer to our loved ones when we are free to be ourselves with them? I felt closer to God. He hadn’t gone anywhere, but I had gotten closer, in his face close. He loves me no matter what. He loves when we talk to Him, no matter the tone or content. He created us for relationship.

So….when you feel “less than perfect” and like “nothing”, talk to God about it, let Him tell you, “ You are perfect to me.”

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Emerge!

Here is dictionary.com’s definition of “emerge”:

–verb (used without object), e·merged, e·merg·ing.

1. to come forth into view or notice, as from concealment or obscurity: a ghost emerging from the grave; a ship emerging from the fog.

2. to rise or come forth from or as if from water or other liquid.

3. to come up or arise, as a question or difficulty.

This verb has been, at the front of my brain wall, since yesterday afternoon. That’s all I have to say about it for right now.

Write, delete, repeat.

The title of this post is all I've been doing for a week. I want to write. I don't want to gush over pregnancy. I don't want to give great account to the hormonal hell I've been experiencing. I don't want to talk about struggles within. I can't figure out what kind of blog this should be now. I feel like I'm too far past [8 months ago today] losing Levi to continue talking about the flashbacks I get when I feel Sweet Pea move or with Braxton Hicks contractions.
So, here is what I'm praying for and hoping for and I ask that you join me. Monday is our 18 week ultrasound and anatomy scan. I am expecting to see the placenta shifted upward. I am expecting to see Sweet Pea swimming and moving A LOT. I am expecting the measurements of the anatomy scan to be exactly where they should be. I am expecting and really hoping for joy to return, for a tangible excitement, in my heart. I want the innocence back that I had before Levi died. I feel like someone has super-glued a shroud to my face and I cannot see, really see through death. I have faith that what I cannot see is there and that all is well, and yet this stupid cover is on my face, blocking my vision.

Human

The day before Mother’s Day. The week started out rough and has forced me, little by little to come to reality. I am not a person that usually basks in  negativity. With that said, I am also realizing these past several months that my analogy of jumping hurdles in a race, is not the way to go about every hard time. I think it is my self-preservation mode. I’ve been edgy this week and had two migraines the past week. Migraines, for me, though I doubt any scientific research would support my theory, are the sign of shoving down emotional toxins and not getting it out. I finally asked myself, “What is wrong? What are you running from?” Answer?

Mother’s Day.

At the risk of sounding selfish – I choose to see it as human- Levi Matthew would have been 2 months old by now. Yes, I have my awesome Jacob and yes we are 16 weeks pregnant with our third baby.Yes, I am grateful beyond words. As the week started, I confessed to my husband, “But we have another son and I am lonely for him and he will be overlooked.” Steve says, “Yes, but WE know he’s there.” I replied, “I know. Why isn’t that enough for me?” Well, there it was. My problem to deal with. Steve held me and rested his mouth on the top of my head. It was almost immediately that the pressure was gone. The headache was gone. The loneliness was gone. Energy returned and sunlight started to take over my thoughts. The sting of death isn’t there now, as we recognize tomorrow as Mother’s Day. I didn’t see this pain coming for Mother’s Day. All the other landmarks to get through – were quite obvious to me. Instead of the sting, it’s an ache….and…there…I just felt Sweet Pea flutter, so there is also joy and life! Levi is not forgotten. He just isn’t here. Here, I have the most wonderful 4 year old, and a new life growing inside of me. I have Jacob, Levi and Sweet Pea’s daddy- and we are the nucleus of our cell. Besides, Levi’s mark on my life, is immeasurable. I am not the same woman I was 7 months ago. Oprah said this past week, “Every death is a wake-up call.” I started sobbing as soon as the words were out of her mouth, because it is so true.

For all mothers, this weekend, I am praying and thinking of you. I am not forgetting you, whether your pain is infertility, loss of baby, loss of child, loss of grown child, a non-existent relationship with your own mother, loss of a grandmother, strained relationships with your children – God will bring us peace and wisdom and strength. He has purposes for us that are so awesome. He said so. [Jeremiah 29:11]