Friday, May 20, 2011

Write, delete, repeat.

The title of this post is all I've been doing for a week. I want to write. I don't want to gush over pregnancy. I don't want to give great account to the hormonal hell I've been experiencing. I don't want to talk about struggles within. I can't figure out what kind of blog this should be now. I feel like I'm too far past [8 months ago today] losing Levi to continue talking about the flashbacks I get when I feel Sweet Pea move or with Braxton Hicks contractions.
So, here is what I'm praying for and hoping for and I ask that you join me. Monday is our 18 week ultrasound and anatomy scan. I am expecting to see the placenta shifted upward. I am expecting to see Sweet Pea swimming and moving A LOT. I am expecting the measurements of the anatomy scan to be exactly where they should be. I am expecting and really hoping for joy to return, for a tangible excitement, in my heart. I want the innocence back that I had before Levi died. I feel like someone has super-glued a shroud to my face and I cannot see, really see through death. I have faith that what I cannot see is there and that all is well, and yet this stupid cover is on my face, blocking my vision.

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