After the NICU triggers: "Are you coming home tonight?"

Last night, Katie and I traveled to Mason City to finish up birthday gift shopping.  We also started and finished shopping for a BIG, BIG change coming to our family this weekend. Stay tuned Monday for that post. :D IF I can wait that long to share!

I was leaving Mason City, it was 8:41. I received a text from hubby. I called him and told him, I was hoping I could drive the 33 miles home before having to feed Katie, but I was going to have to pull over and nurse our girl. The boys wanted to say, "good night" since they were getting ready for bed. Their voices are so sweet. One of these days, they will have deep, low voices - I am realizing how fast this is coming with Jacob halfway to 18 this weekend. Jacob got on the phone after Bennett, "Hi Mom!" In a cautiously positive but bracing for disappointment tone, he asked, "Are you coming home tonight Mommy?" ....PANG in my heart and THUD in my throat .... It was one of those unexpected moments that happen and I don't know how long they will continue to happen. When they happen, I have to let it out. I choked and said, "Yes honey. Katie and I are on our way home. I have to stop to feed her first though. We'll be home when you are asleep, and I'll see you in the morning." He was satisfied and put his dad on the phone. I was crying. My boys and hubby will never know the physical pain I felt not being in two places at once for those days and nights from November 2 to February 9. My mom knew. I would cry with her on the phone - and she could feel through my sobbing. I remember her crying with me several times because she could feel how much it hurt. I explained to the boys during this weird reality -  we couldn't leave our littlest, newest family member 2 1/2 hours away from all of her very own family. Of course, I left for Thanksgiving and Christmas and the occasional over night. But at the end, I went 21 days without seeing my boys. That was the longest stretch we'd endured without seeing and spending time together. The weather was too unreliable for travel. Also, as Katie progressed, on her feedings, I needed to be close for breastfeeding, not to mention, simply producing.

 I don't regret how we dealt with the birth and hospitalization of Katie Beth. We did what we knew to do. We did our best. I have to say, not all wives could rely on their husband to take care of two little boys for 3 months. He did it. Only 8 months into a brand new job, he was cutting out at 3pm to pick up the older one from school , the younger one from daycare and spend the evening keeping it somewhat "normal". I am crying again. It was hard. Steve is the best husband and daddy, simply because he put down everything else to do what needed to be done and he loved on our boys which is what they needed. I wish every kid was blessed with such a daddy.

We will celebrate 10 years of marriage this Fall. We heard Daughtry's song, "Home" on the radio Sunday afternoon. I asked Steve if he knew what that song made me think of. He didn't. I told him, "You. Wherever you are, is home."

This was our very first "Family of 5" picture. Katie was 2 months old.

 

What does it mean when your favorite color has changed?

This is a random question that I am throwing out to any and all whom have an answer. :) My favorite color used to be lime green. I really liked lime green combined with navy blue. Since the pregnancy of my daughter, Katie Beth, I have been drawn to magenta. Magenta is my new favorite color. ????? I do not find Magenta is a color I want to decorate everything in our home with, but I do want more "pops" of the color. I am also heavily drawn to two blues. This tissue box [see below] is inspiration for my kitchen. I love the two blue colors. I bought this box of tissues while Katie was in the NICU. I have kept it for when I paint our kitchen. [that will require a small act of God, unless any local readers are handy with sand paper, removing hardware, painting, and installing new, updated hardware and you are willing to come make this a party time with me? I make a yummy cup of coffee and an even yummier beer margarita.]

Tissue box with that luxurious blue and is that an aquamarine teal? I have already bought paint in the darker blue to paint a lamp we have to make an accent piece in our living room. Surprisingly, I didn't realize I picked a paint card at Sherwin Williams with the very same dark blue that is in this tissue box for my kitchen. So there should be a nice flow.

Now, a favorite color, changing may not be big news. I find it interesting though. It has to be a reflection of something. I have been a jewel-tone gal since I got my first apartment. In our homes, I have gravitated towards warm browns and greens and rusts and oranges. Suddenly - I love BRIGHT and HAPPY and COOL tones. I begin painting in the living/dining area next week. I will do before and after pics. I have curtains and I think I want to create my own artwork for above the fire place. Next week, you'll see why. ;)

This week has been more organization and off-loading AND getting ready for this guy's 9th birthday!

Look at Boy Wonder, finishing up today's golf clinic session. Jacob has had the biggest transformation physically and emotionally this past year. I am proud beyond words. He is a great kid and an incredible big brother.

lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove

 

Finally, when we returned from picking up Jacob, Bennett sweetly asked me, "Mommy will you come to my shop? I want to make you sumfin." I grabbed my cup of heaven a.k.a. coffee, and sat down in the toy room. Bennett brought me his "fish bowl" with the pretend fish named "Goldie like from Peppa Pig" [his words].

Bennett's fish bowl, see Goldie? :)

 I was gazing at Bennett's fish bowl when he brought me my morning special. A "chocolate and white cookie". I told him it was the best cookie I had eaten since Jacob baked me a cookie 4 years ago. I asked Bennett to cook supper tonight. He said he would. I asked him what we would have. He said, "Cookies and meat." Daddy will like tonight's supper!

My "chocolate and white cookie" with Aromas Sulawesi Toraja roasted coffee.

 Enjoy the rest of your Thursday!

xoxo~Beth

 

My Aunt Chook's blueberry sour cream pie

Fareway had a deal on blueberries this past week. I picked up 3 pints for $5. I saw that amount of blueberries and knew I'd have enough to make a sentimental treat.....after I had eaten 1/3 of those berries myself. ;)

My Aunt Chook, is my dad's aunt. She is a special lady to me. We [my brother, sister and I] spent many weekends and summer days "on the farm", as kids. I remember Sunday dinners, after church, she and my gram scrambling around the kitchen, to get that meal on the table for about 10-12 of us to sit down to. It was always good eats, especially this time of the year because there would be sweet corn my great Uncle Don and Aunt Betty (Chookie's little brother) grew. Those were the days.......stable childhood....with no crystal ball to look into the future to see how much would change - I expected life would be just like that and that some day I would bring my kids there and so on and so forth. Being at "the farm" was exactly like a story from a Reminisce magazine.

When I saw the blueberries at Fareway, Friday night. I pictured one of Aunt Chook's blueberry sour cream pies cooling on her kitchen counter. She has never been able to give me the recipe because she just eye-balled everything. I have tried on two other occasions to duplicate her work of a pie, with no success. Yesterday, I googled "blueberry sour cream pie". I went to images to pick the picture that looks the most like I remember it. I chose: https://adashofsugarandspice.wordpress.com/2011/07/30/blueberry-sour-cream-pie/

Only, I used about 3 cups of blueberries and I substituted plain greek yogurt for the sour cream. I probably baked it for 10 minutes longer too.

Jacob, Steve and I had a piece with a dollop of vanilla ice cream last night before hitting the hay. It was delicious.

That will be all. I must finish off the pot of coffee with a slice of sweet memories.

xoxo Beth

Frank & Joy

My distributor id # is 1456580.

I am an avid Young Living essential oil user. I am not an avid network marketer. So...here is how this works. I will share my stories, my experiences, point out what references I use to learn more about my oils because let's face it - if one is serious about using essential oils and incorporating them into their lives, well....you have to learn about it and since we aren't kindergartners, well...you have to have resources to research. If you choose you'd like to enroll with me - great! Let me know and I will hook you up with these wonderful bottles of healing Nature. I love them - they will always be a part of my life because I have reaped so many benefits from them. Today, I want to introduce you to "Frank & Joy".

 ***I do not diagnose or prescribe.*** I share a product that has been on the earth as long as we have. I choose, when possible, to use holistic methods for health. I believe the symptoms we experience are a result of our environment - physically, mentally, spiritually. I do not have anything against modern medicine. Modern medicine has saved my life and the lives of 2 of my children. I believe in a balance. If we could appreciate the marriage between Nature and modern medicine.....who knows how different our society could become? I strongly believe ultimate health comes from a basis of fueling our bodies with nutrients. REAL nutrients.

I had been without these 2 oils the past few months. Young Living also has great supplements, which is what I had been budgeting for after the pregnancy and as a nursing mommy - to build up my body.

I hold Frankincense above my head about 6 inches and anoint my crown. Did you know our crown is the energy field which is our direct connection to God? I like being plugged in to my Source - Jesus. Frankincense supports the immune system as well as our emotions and is great for prayer and meditation. I was so excited the first time I was going to get to smell Frankincense. I mean...it was a gift the Wise Men brought baby Jesus. My friend handed me the bottle of oil, I got in my reflective mode and expression, put it under my nose, reared back and put my scrunched up "Yuck" face on and exclaimed, "they brought THAT to baby Jesus? Poor baby." ;) Obviously, this oil was not one of my favorites. It is a perfume - sweet smelling in a way I had not known. I started to use the oil and the fragrance grew on me. It is a precious oil. I have enjoyed the preciousness of it on my head for 2 years.

Joy is a blend of oils, created by D. Gary Young. It was created with the frequencies and properties in mind to bring....you guessed it.....joy. I apply a drop of it directly on my heart. Joy is also an oil I didn't appreciate at the beginning. It is very floral smelling. However, I find it is a wonderful oil to diffuse when I have company or when my kids are owly and growly.  It is fresh and smells wonderful through the diffuser. I used Joy every day I was in the hospital. The doctors and nurses would enter my room and  Katie's room and want to linger. That is what they told me. I didn't diffuse in the hospital because it is a cool mist humidifier.

When I wear the oils, I am a human wick. Once I got used to using oils, I couldn't go back to Scentsy or air fresheners....even my favorite perfume. It gave me headaches, because of the chemicals and toxins in it. So....to fill my home and wherever I go with a clean aromatic presence, boosting their immune systems and presence of minds - I feel like I am doing the best I can with the knowledge I have, for my family. That feels GOOD!!





 

My now....

This video sums up what I won't miss out on when I am present, in the present. The past year has been a ...I don't even know the right word. I was inclined to say tornado because it was that violent, that sudden, that ground-shaking and uprooting. Thoughts, beliefs I have nurtured my entire life or any portion thereof, have been called into question. It has been another season of the Father whispering and calling to me, "I am speaking to you. You know what is best for you, for your family because I am in you. Stop. Listen. Allow yourself peace. And grace."

That [above] is what I would share with NICU parents going home once their darling is discharged.

Enjoy this video. I think it is an awesome picture of how I want my kids to remember me.  In the moments when the "should dos" mount up as a rebellion....I will sit down with my kids. They are beautiful spirits and deserve my best. Not stress. Not pressure I feel from things that don't matter. Not me trying to please others. I am enough. Not "when will you get back to this or that..". Right now - this moment is all that matters.

The video is after Bennett's bath last night. Katie Beth just finished a feeding.

Love & Grace,

Beth

 

Burrito Gravy.....Mmmmmmm

I had you at burrito gravy, did I?

My husband suggested I write about this. We left church yesterday and decided to head to Mason City Panchero's. I don't know the history of Panchero's. My husband does. In fact, his time attending the University of Iowa - he is the one that launched this simple, authentic Mexican food haven into turbo growth mode. He averaged...I believe he told me....4 burritos a week.

Hubby and I have been together for almost 13 years. He has been trying for all that time to get me to enjoy Panchero's. I don't know if it was his torrid love affair with their burrito, which felt like a rival to me, or if it was how badly he wanted me to love Panchero's, or if it was what I always said, "That looks like a cloth diaper ....full...and not of Mexican food." - but I have had no interest in enjoying Panchero's.

Two months ago, we were in Waterloo. It was lunch time. My family was hungry. We entered Panchero's. All these years, when I go to Panchero's with Steve, I felt like it is one of my ways to say, "See? I love  you. I will go here and order something I am not excited about -one of their salads- and eat it while you devour a burrito the way T-Rex tears apart an insurance man in Jurassic Park." I wasn't particularly hungry this time and ordered chips and salsa. Here I need to tell you that while I stayed at Ronald McDonald House [daughter's premature birth landed us an 87 day NICU stay- a story for another post] I did fall in love with Panchero's salsa. The entire pregnancy of our daughter, I craved salsa. Panchero's delivered to RMH at least twice that I know of while I lived there. They would leave behind little black cups, filled with their fabulous salsa. I am not ashamed to say that on several occasions when I couldn't sleep at night, I would scurry to the kitchen of RMH and raid the fridge. The night shade concoction helped put me to sleep. It is the best salsa of my life.

Back to the day in Waterloo..I ordered salsa and chips. I watched my boys eat their cheese quesadillas and realized I am hungrier than I thought. Steve offered me a bite of burrito, on a whim, I took it. Upon that bite, I looked up at him with my big doe eyes, holding that huge burrito in my hands, salsa running from my lower lip.....he said I never looked "hotter". I sheepishly asked him, "Would you please go get me one of these?" He asked me to marry him again. Ever since, I crave a burrito at least once a week. This has been really good for our marriage.

On our drive to Mason City yesterday, I grabbed Steve's hand and said, "Oh man...I can't wait to eat one of those burritos. The way the sour cream, guacamole and mild salsa mix together......it's like.....burrito gravy." He pulled my hand to his mouth while driving and kissed it. "That's good honey. You should write about burrito gravy." he said.

Do you see the "gravy"?

 

We're not gonna take it ......anymore!

Wow. So....when I posted the last post, I didn't realize how long it would be until I actually did post again. I kept holding off...I missed blogging, but I'm a stickler on it being inspired. 

You may remember when I posted in January of 2012 about juicing. Or not. ;) I went on a 3.5 day juice fast after watching the documentary film on Netflix - Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. It changed my life. It is still changing my life. I juiced regularly January and February of 2012. At some point, I stopped. What I do remember is about the third week in March, pain racked my body something horrible. I could not walk up and down our basement steps. I could not get on the floor with Bennett [who is now 2 days from being 20 months old!]. This frightened me.I was not myself...dealing with the physical pain and trying to get through with two little boys, I was cranky and inconsistent. I felt like an imposter had taken over my body. It was the hardest thing, with the pain, to muster  up any interest in anyone else. I was obsessed with me.  It took everything in me to attend commitments and I couldn't wait to leave or for company to leave because then I could turn off the fake smile and go lay down. I waited until April before making an appointment with our doctor. The tests showed high inflammation and high something or other signaling an auto immune something or other. He referred me to a rheumatologist, whom I may add, has been a royal pain in my butt because his bedside manner and compassion factor rival that of Simon Cowell. I felt like he was interested in labeling it and giving me a drug. The end. He labeled it fibromyalgia and gave me tramadol. The purpose of tramadol? To cause my mind to perceive the pain differently. It doesn't get to the source of the problem. It masks it. I was prescribed these pills in June. I tried them for a couple days and they made me so loopy that I refused to take them. I knew how to function with the pain and the boys and hubby's crazy schedule. I was not about to relearn how to function as one who felt drunk and buzzed while mothering and taking care of my family. I also am not a pill popper naturally. I have barely been on THE pill my whole life because I knew it wasn't my hormones in the pills...so I didn't want a synthetic or fake hormones either.
By August, I was encouraged to start taking the medicine, by family. They knew I wasn't me. So, I buckled down and struggled for almost 2 months of fog and funk ..and it did help the pain. I was glad to not have pain. I was also in the beginning of a weight loss journey. The end of June, I made a decision to start eating better and exercising. I started running. Weight was coming off fast and by  November, I lost 40 lbs. Flare ups with fibromyalgia would still happen though. It was mostly triggered by stress and weather. I would endure flares, even while taking 400mg of tramadol/day. The rheumatologist was very pleased with my progress and could see the pain was MUCH less. The past month - 6 weeks has been rough because it's been damp, humid, rainy weather in Iowa. I had a 6 month check up with the rheumatologist and went in with an open mind and the belief that he was going to find me another solution besides tramadol. I believe I had endured some withdrawal from missing a couple doses of tramadol, scattered here and there. Twice in the middle of the night, I awoke in a clammy sweaty mess, limbs flailing uncontrollably. A third time was after lunch when I missed a dose at morning time...the muscles wanted to start shooting directions and I was clammy and sweaty. THIS is where the title of my post comes in....

I described this to the doctor and asked him if there was something else I could take that would not be so ... I don't know...addictive or  intense on my system. He looked at me and said, "Tramadol is not giving you withdrawal. You are having panic attacks." I was so shocked at this that my filter evaporated and I looked at him and said, "bullshit." He replied, "Oh you know so much?" I squared up and looked in his eyes and said, "I know my own body." As they say in Star Wars, "Negotiations were short"..or something like that. His remedy: Take tramadol or have pain. Because he wouldn't prescribe a narcotic for chronic pain and I didn't need an anti-depressant. [No shit Sherlock. I don't want either of those either ...thanks for nothing.] I left incredibly frustrated. HERE is where frustration and anger are excellent motivators....I came home, hubby and I talked. I asked Steve, "Do you think it is possible that I  determine I am not going to have this "disease" anymore and then I don't?" My darling Man of Men looked at me and said, "Yes." We made the decision and I was immediately reminded of the juice fast I did two Januarys ago and how after a few days of the fast, I had no pain. [At that point the pain had not been as crippling as it became later...nonetheless...I knew I didn't have it.] We went and got loaded up on all the necessary produce to start juicing. NOT a fast....yet. When I do a fast...I want to be prepared and not set myself up for mental failure. 

This decision led me to watch the half dozen documentaries I had in my netflix queue for the past year and a half. My favorite? Food Matters. Watch it. My inspiration though is Fat, Sick or Nearly Dead.

Now...here's the other thing. Fibromyalgia is an auto-immune disease. The rheumatologist told me that it set in when I had sepsis infection, in my body, during the miscarriage of Levi. Why? Because my body was fighting the infection and the hospital was pumping me with 4 different IVs of antibiotics....it left my nerves...vulnerable - wide open. That is the doctor's answer. I will add, my body couldn't fight well either because I lacked nutrition ...and the pain manifested more and more because I wasn't nourishing my body nor dealing with stress properly, in the year and a half after that infection.  Is this reversible? I absolutely believe so! 

In 10 days of taking 2 juices a day, supplementing my regular diet and yes, still having a sugary something here and there....I have reduced my med dosage by one dose/day and have had no ill effects or "panic attacks". hee hee [couldn't resist.] I also have SO much more energy and am sleeping wonderfully at night. I haven't slept well ...in months and months. Juicing daily is a part of my lifestyle now. 

My posts and the purpose of writing is now about eating real food and utilizing natural methods/ways/tools, to allow the Creator's glory to be shown through a vessel He created and designed perfectly....with the proper fueling and exercise and stress management. Am I naive? Yes! I wouldn't change a thing. Child-like faith is what we are encouraged to have. I have it. Will I say stuff that pisses people off? Probably. Is that my intention? No. I just want to be as real through this journey as possible. Will I have critics and those that want to advise me against this? Already have. I am determined to reverse fibromyalgia because I am not interested in being one of those pathetic, sick people on the stupid commercials relying on drugs to not even cure the root of the problem but to just exist. Malnutrition [more of us suffer from this than you think!] is the root of all kinds of ailments/diseases and disorders. I am responsible for my health. I want life abundant! I have an abundant life!

Please join me on this journey. We will be learning so much good together. I am no expert. The information is too good to not share and spread around....it's like evangelizing our community(ies) for real health. 

Yours Truly,

Beth