Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Packing and ......Unpacking

Good morning friends! My family and I are leaving for our first family vacation soon. I wanted to post before we do to let you know I will post regularly again, when we return. Is there anything better than when your husband comes home the night before and you know he's with you for the next 6 days? We leave for vacation tomorrow, but everything instantly relaxed and changed in our atmosphere when Dad came home last night. Vacation began, even though, it's crazy packing and preparing. By the way, a difference I have noticed between baby girls and boys is the packing process. I had to pull out my bottle of Peace&Calming and inhale, as I was choosing which adorable outfits to pack for Katie. I didn't do that for the boys when we packed to go somewhere. I chose outfits that I didn't care if they dumped red kool-aid on. I always packed one "good" outfit, expecting it would need replaced along the trip. Packing for Katie, I feel like I am preparing a trunk show for Paris. I have agonized over the cutest tops and dresses and head bands, tutus and ruffles on bums, to please perfect strangers that may gaze upon my gorgeous girl. Who am I? It cracks me up.

I have read that the way to grow a blog is to know who your audience is. I have no idea who my audience is. I am writing organically, as I feel it. I started this blog post 2 hours ago and it went to a very different topic about life after the NICU, following the above paragraph. I can't post all that. It needs some work. I think a lot of it was really for my journal. I think it is time to accept that I am dealing with PTSD. Bear with me folks. I feel really weird that this adventure of my daughter being born was hardest on her, she overcame so much- and she is absolutely perfect and yet....all the unraveling I am still feeling....it is weird indeed. I feel like her birth has brought me new life, in more ways than her own life. I feel like the dogma of my life has been exposed and I see it. I feel like the relationships, in my life, I see in a very different light, the light of what they are. Some relationships have blossomed and I wonder what I did to deserve such good friends. Some relationships I am seeing for the first time and realizing they are not what I thought they were - and for those, I am coming to peace to say, "It's all good."  And it is really hard for me to express myself in any form than writing. I tried holding an intelligent conversation with two people in a coffee shop last week - I walked away feeling quite embarrassed. Words from my tongue are not in sync with my brain. Please don't hold it against me, when you are used to me prattling on and on and being jovial and ready to fill dead air with something. I am loving the sound of silence these days. With that...I must get ready for our trip. It's exactly what we need.

xoxo -Beth


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