It's been a weekend of grounding, revelation, passion, cleaning out my temple as well as our home- a VERY productive weekend. My home is still a bit of a mess - but it is making sense.
As I worshipped God this morning, a picture of the scariest, most vulnerable moments all came flooding in, from the past 5 years. Yes, it will be 5 years since Levi went to Heaven. If you go back to the beginning of this blog, the experience of losing and loving our little boy in Heaven is what started Hallelujah Mama. This picture flashed just like a Year in Review on social media. Levi, Bennett's birth and his NICU stay, to the past year and a half with our move and pregnancy of Katie and ending with her birth and NICU stay.
When I saw these pictures, in my mind, I held my arms up to say, "Stop! I can't take it anymore!" Just as I did that, a new thought entered my mind. This thought had a window no wider than a crack to eek through before I had the window slammed shut. Ready for it? .......................
"Look at that! Look at all you overcame!" As soon as I allowed this to occur, a new flood of images washed on the shore of mind, in Year In Review mode. Only, these images were of my entire life before Levi. I cannot go over all those in my blog because some of them are also incredibly intense and would hurt those I love. I haven't stopped those actions from loving those I love so dearly. We all have those actions taken against us that are not justified...but also can't be controlled or erased. They also should not be denied by one's self. They shape us. This morning, they came in a flood back and again, it was a collage of every ugly, destructive thing that has either happened at the hands of others, or as product of an imperfect world. I don't believe God "allows" these troubles. However, I know He knows that I'd have to face them.
You know what? A sense of honor and strength rose up inside of me! I keep having these triggers - signaling a form of PTSD. The smells of the seasons changing, the stupid Facebook memories that I have stopped looking at, when the pump on my Cetaphil bottle broke, when someone asked me a question about PPROM, songs, things Bennett says to me, hearing the roar of the Hawkeye football crowd at Kinnick on the TV.....there are many more to come. We are a little less than 2 months away from when my water broke. I have cried in HyVee when I saw a 9 month old that was a giant compared to my Katie who is the same age. I fought back tears at Jacob's school ice cream social last week because there was a 3 month old baby the same size as my Katie. The triggers and reminders of what we've been through can no longer be masked by hiding in our home. You know what they are instead? They are a reminder that the pain is a freaking honor! God knew I would never meet or hold a son, in my arms. He waits for me. God knew I would deliver Bennett 5 weeks early and deal with a horrible birth. God knew I had a daughter coming when I thought we were done. God knew the pregnancy was hard when family members were clueless and insensitive about how much I struggled with her pregnancy. God knew the day after we had a gorgeous day with amazing friends in Independence that Steve and I would have a heavy conversation, lying in bed, We talked about death and how neither of us would allow the other "off the hook" by checking out early. That we were and are in it for the long haul, sickness and in health - that we'd get done kissing and as I moved to get out of bed for a bedtime snack - my water would break at 24 weeks. He knew when I thought she'd be 3 lbs. that she would be born 1 lb. 11 oz.
I could go on and on about what He knew that I had no idea was coming. But He also knew that He was bringing to life, amazing human beings through Steve and I. He gave us these babies - and they are amazing and I have come to a conclusion this morning that because He knew how I would handle the hardships, that I would come out giving Him glory! For I am fearfully and wonderfully made! After all of this, Through all of this - there is nothing I can't do because He is on my side. He made me a rock star....He made me this way. He's been waiting for me to embrace it. It is not arrogant to say so! That is a lie! That is what we are trained to believe...that false humility is best. False humility is just.....fake! The Maker of the Heavens and Earth resides in me! The Maker of worlds unseen and trillions of light years away, called me worthy to live through it all! It's a freaking honor!!!!
He is waiting for you to do that too! You each have a story that is so intricate and gut-wrenching and beautiful. It is easy to get caught up in feeling sorry and wishing for others to show they are trying to understand and love you through it.................we all have our hurts, pains and areas we long for validation, for comfort, for acceptance and you know what? If you believe in a Good, good Father - we already have it! We have all of that and more!
I am going to stop stifling the cries. The groans of my soul when I see something that reminds me of any pain from the course of this life- it is a freaking honor to feel, to experience what I have experienced. Some of these things are so deep that this shell I reside in, cannot express but in groans. My brain cannot grasp because all of "this" resides in a domain far beyond my brain. I am loved. If I had no person on this earth to love me, I am still loved by the great I AM.
I want to live out loud! This is just the beginning! All of this to lead me......HERE!
Abba, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
As I worshipped God this morning, a picture of the scariest, most vulnerable moments all came flooding in, from the past 5 years. Yes, it will be 5 years since Levi went to Heaven. If you go back to the beginning of this blog, the experience of losing and loving our little boy in Heaven is what started Hallelujah Mama. This picture flashed just like a Year in Review on social media. Levi, Bennett's birth and his NICU stay, to the past year and a half with our move and pregnancy of Katie and ending with her birth and NICU stay.
When I saw these pictures, in my mind, I held my arms up to say, "Stop! I can't take it anymore!" Just as I did that, a new thought entered my mind. This thought had a window no wider than a crack to eek through before I had the window slammed shut. Ready for it? .......................
"Look at that! Look at all you overcame!" As soon as I allowed this to occur, a new flood of images washed on the shore of mind, in Year In Review mode. Only, these images were of my entire life before Levi. I cannot go over all those in my blog because some of them are also incredibly intense and would hurt those I love. I haven't stopped those actions from loving those I love so dearly. We all have those actions taken against us that are not justified...but also can't be controlled or erased. They also should not be denied by one's self. They shape us. This morning, they came in a flood back and again, it was a collage of every ugly, destructive thing that has either happened at the hands of others, or as product of an imperfect world. I don't believe God "allows" these troubles. However, I know He knows that I'd have to face them.
You know what? A sense of honor and strength rose up inside of me! I keep having these triggers - signaling a form of PTSD. The smells of the seasons changing, the stupid Facebook memories that I have stopped looking at, when the pump on my Cetaphil bottle broke, when someone asked me a question about PPROM, songs, things Bennett says to me, hearing the roar of the Hawkeye football crowd at Kinnick on the TV.....there are many more to come. We are a little less than 2 months away from when my water broke. I have cried in HyVee when I saw a 9 month old that was a giant compared to my Katie who is the same age. I fought back tears at Jacob's school ice cream social last week because there was a 3 month old baby the same size as my Katie. The triggers and reminders of what we've been through can no longer be masked by hiding in our home. You know what they are instead? They are a reminder that the pain is a freaking honor! God knew I would never meet or hold a son, in my arms. He waits for me. God knew I would deliver Bennett 5 weeks early and deal with a horrible birth. God knew I had a daughter coming when I thought we were done. God knew the pregnancy was hard when family members were clueless and insensitive about how much I struggled with her pregnancy. God knew the day after we had a gorgeous day with amazing friends in Independence that Steve and I would have a heavy conversation, lying in bed, We talked about death and how neither of us would allow the other "off the hook" by checking out early. That we were and are in it for the long haul, sickness and in health - that we'd get done kissing and as I moved to get out of bed for a bedtime snack - my water would break at 24 weeks. He knew when I thought she'd be 3 lbs. that she would be born 1 lb. 11 oz.
I could go on and on about what He knew that I had no idea was coming. But He also knew that He was bringing to life, amazing human beings through Steve and I. He gave us these babies - and they are amazing and I have come to a conclusion this morning that because He knew how I would handle the hardships, that I would come out giving Him glory! For I am fearfully and wonderfully made! After all of this, Through all of this - there is nothing I can't do because He is on my side. He made me a rock star....He made me this way. He's been waiting for me to embrace it. It is not arrogant to say so! That is a lie! That is what we are trained to believe...that false humility is best. False humility is just.....fake! The Maker of the Heavens and Earth resides in me! The Maker of worlds unseen and trillions of light years away, called me worthy to live through it all! It's a freaking honor!!!!
He is waiting for you to do that too! You each have a story that is so intricate and gut-wrenching and beautiful. It is easy to get caught up in feeling sorry and wishing for others to show they are trying to understand and love you through it.................we all have our hurts, pains and areas we long for validation, for comfort, for acceptance and you know what? If you believe in a Good, good Father - we already have it! We have all of that and more!
I am going to stop stifling the cries. The groans of my soul when I see something that reminds me of any pain from the course of this life- it is a freaking honor to feel, to experience what I have experienced. Some of these things are so deep that this shell I reside in, cannot express but in groans. My brain cannot grasp because all of "this" resides in a domain far beyond my brain. I am loved. If I had no person on this earth to love me, I am still loved by the great I AM.
I want to live out loud! This is just the beginning! All of this to lead me......HERE!
Abba, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
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