Write, delete, repeat.

The title of this post is all I've been doing for a week. I want to write. I don't want to gush over pregnancy. I don't want to give great account to the hormonal hell I've been experiencing. I don't want to talk about struggles within. I can't figure out what kind of blog this should be now. I feel like I'm too far past [8 months ago today] losing Levi to continue talking about the flashbacks I get when I feel Sweet Pea move or with Braxton Hicks contractions.
So, here is what I'm praying for and hoping for and I ask that you join me. Monday is our 18 week ultrasound and anatomy scan. I am expecting to see the placenta shifted upward. I am expecting to see Sweet Pea swimming and moving A LOT. I am expecting the measurements of the anatomy scan to be exactly where they should be. I am expecting and really hoping for joy to return, for a tangible excitement, in my heart. I want the innocence back that I had before Levi died. I feel like someone has super-glued a shroud to my face and I cannot see, really see through death. I have faith that what I cannot see is there and that all is well, and yet this stupid cover is on my face, blocking my vision.

Human

The day before Mother’s Day. The week started out rough and has forced me, little by little to come to reality. I am not a person that usually basks in  negativity. With that said, I am also realizing these past several months that my analogy of jumping hurdles in a race, is not the way to go about every hard time. I think it is my self-preservation mode. I’ve been edgy this week and had two migraines the past week. Migraines, for me, though I doubt any scientific research would support my theory, are the sign of shoving down emotional toxins and not getting it out. I finally asked myself, “What is wrong? What are you running from?” Answer?

Mother’s Day.

At the risk of sounding selfish – I choose to see it as human- Levi Matthew would have been 2 months old by now. Yes, I have my awesome Jacob and yes we are 16 weeks pregnant with our third baby.Yes, I am grateful beyond words. As the week started, I confessed to my husband, “But we have another son and I am lonely for him and he will be overlooked.” Steve says, “Yes, but WE know he’s there.” I replied, “I know. Why isn’t that enough for me?” Well, there it was. My problem to deal with. Steve held me and rested his mouth on the top of my head. It was almost immediately that the pressure was gone. The headache was gone. The loneliness was gone. Energy returned and sunlight started to take over my thoughts. The sting of death isn’t there now, as we recognize tomorrow as Mother’s Day. I didn’t see this pain coming for Mother’s Day. All the other landmarks to get through – were quite obvious to me. Instead of the sting, it’s an ache….and…there…I just felt Sweet Pea flutter, so there is also joy and life! Levi is not forgotten. He just isn’t here. Here, I have the most wonderful 4 year old, and a new life growing inside of me. I have Jacob, Levi and Sweet Pea’s daddy- and we are the nucleus of our cell. Besides, Levi’s mark on my life, is immeasurable. I am not the same woman I was 7 months ago. Oprah said this past week, “Every death is a wake-up call.” I started sobbing as soon as the words were out of her mouth, because it is so true.

For all mothers, this weekend, I am praying and thinking of you. I am not forgetting you, whether your pain is infertility, loss of baby, loss of child, loss of grown child, a non-existent relationship with your own mother, loss of a grandmother, strained relationships with your children – God will bring us peace and wisdom and strength. He has purposes for us that are so awesome. He said so. [Jeremiah 29:11]