What's in a name? You, who "Joined - Gift from God". My life has forever been changed. I've now been without you for as long as you were with me. It's 18 weeks ago today since I saw your feet & hand prints. 18 weeks ago today we named you on Melrose Avenue heading towards the hospital. I used to drive that street to get to where your daddy lived, when we first started dating.
When you were 16 weeks, growing inside of me, I saw you on that black and white fuzzy screen and I saw you were a boy. You looked so healthy. You were calm, cool and collected. You smiled for the camera on that day- I discovered 2 weeks later. When I got home, after learning we would have another son, I remember laying on my left side, on my bed. My heart was troubled to get the perfect name. I asked God, "What should his name be?" I closed my eyes and the name "Levi" appeared on the screens of my eyelids. The pressing to have your name made so much sense two weeks later. I loved it. Levi. LEVI. What a simple, strong name. Seeing and saying your name, brings that pang that I will never call you to come eat lunch or say your name on the phone when you may have been at Grandma's house, and I call to check-in.
I will keep saying your name, under my own breath. Cuz no one else does. I don't blame them - they didn't know you. I can't sleep this night. I'm aching. I still get mad that each day goes so fast and gets further away from when you left. I don't know if you sleep or if you're awake. Just know that I'm so grateful you Joined us and you are our Gift from God. I miss you and I find a portion of me is missing too, never to be found again until I'm with you. In the meantime, I will do my best to fit in and to embrace this night. It is always darkest and coldest before the dawn of a new day. Come to me soon new day!
When you were 16 weeks, growing inside of me, I saw you on that black and white fuzzy screen and I saw you were a boy. You looked so healthy. You were calm, cool and collected. You smiled for the camera on that day- I discovered 2 weeks later. When I got home, after learning we would have another son, I remember laying on my left side, on my bed. My heart was troubled to get the perfect name. I asked God, "What should his name be?" I closed my eyes and the name "Levi" appeared on the screens of my eyelids. The pressing to have your name made so much sense two weeks later. I loved it. Levi. LEVI. What a simple, strong name. Seeing and saying your name, brings that pang that I will never call you to come eat lunch or say your name on the phone when you may have been at Grandma's house, and I call to check-in.
I will keep saying your name, under my own breath. Cuz no one else does. I don't blame them - they didn't know you. I can't sleep this night. I'm aching. I still get mad that each day goes so fast and gets further away from when you left. I don't know if you sleep or if you're awake. Just know that I'm so grateful you Joined us and you are our Gift from God. I miss you and I find a portion of me is missing too, never to be found again until I'm with you. In the meantime, I will do my best to fit in and to embrace this night. It is always darkest and coldest before the dawn of a new day. Come to me soon new day!
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