Deflated, but on task.

Hi there.  Now, is the real test.  I feel that.  I know it. With the pending due date out there and the void of it - I'm struggling.  I previously spoke of jumping hurdles.  Robot mode has expired, for me.  I almost feel like the reality of grief and the anger associated with grief is just now happening.  I'll be fine.  I'm putting this all out there, in the hopes, that some woman, that experiences these waves of grief when losing her baby, will find comfort that she is not going insane.  All of it is real and all of it is lonely and all of it has a purpose to be sought out, few understand, but there are a few.  To the future women that come across this blog, experiencing miscarriage or stillbirth or abortion of the pregnancy to save your own life - please feel free to email me.  I am praying for you and I want you to feel special - because you still are. 

This week, I am buying painting supplies to paint artwork for our walls.  It's a task I am setting in front of me, that will outlet creativity and have something, authentically me, to show for the time that I just want to lay on the sofa. 

Hypocrite?

Maybe, I'm just a hypocrite.  I was having a truly exceptional day, counting all my many blessings.  Saw something on Facebook and all that "progress" went down the crapper.  Of course, I gotta pull my thoughts to where they're supposed to be and soon because everyone, is moved on.  I like to think myself, not one that has moaned and droaned on and on, about losing Levi.  Just saying his name, this evening, makes me furious that I won't see him til I die.  I have a son - that I had no impact on -but he had an immeasurable impact on me!  I'm left to fume and stew over what the hell am I supposed to do with my life because I was saved by antibiotics, doctors and an abortion, while no one could do a thing about saving him before he died inside of me.  I was left for a whole weekend, in my gut knowing, he was dying.  That Monday that he died, I only had a mere 8 hours of confirmed prognosis that he was going to die.  He died on the way to Iowa City. I'm supposed to be grateful to have my life.  My mom referred this past week to a phrase my great gram said when she was speaking of the heart attack that killed my great grandpap.  "Heaven was so close.", gram told my mom.  I felt that, the night Levi died.  But I kept freaking pushing through.  I don't remember how far I walked in the U of Iowa hospital that afternoon, because I had no concept of how sick I was until I almost fainted and a nurse saw it, yes, I was walking alongside my husband, marching through corridor after corridor and hallway after hallway, floor after floor...and the pain....I kept calling myself a "baby" and to "suck it up!"  He had no idea how sick I was or how much pain I was in.  I didn't either - I automatically assumed I needed to kick my own ass.  I remember mentally fighting the next day, in the hospital.  I was not gonna be there a whole other night...I was getting home!  Secretly though?  I wanted to curl up and die. I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel secure, I was alone.  Am still alone. 
So, I'm strong-willed, not necessarily strong.  Is it that I'm strong-willed or is it that I'm afraid of being weak, in front of people?  Right now?  I want to be weak.  I'm dying to be weak.  Also, in my experience, people don't take me seriously when I am struggling.  They pull the stoicism on me, or crack a joke.  Then again, I'm really picky about who I'll let that close.  It's almost like I've placed myself in place, where people that are supposed to be close just can't fathom how close I get to totally cracking. So...I haven't been weak yet.  Oh wait...I take that back.  I'm being a weakling now by blogging all this garbage to try and sort through.  It's like, I have to mentally prep down to be weak...and yet...I'm so freaking exhausted and tired of being ignored and tired of being alone.  A person can only give to so many before the resources are depleted.   So, am I a hypocrite because I don't want to give God any praise right now?  I'd like to say to Him, "Thanks so much for sticking me here, in the midst of loneliness [not physical location, but emotional], where I get to take care of everyone else, but no one to take care of me...and I have to muster up the energy and positive energy to give a shit, when what I really want to do is crawl in a hole."  
And all of this because of something on Facebook....when will this cycle end?  When will the random clothesline cease to exist?  How long before I can see certain things and learn to duck the clothesline?  Oh wait...I'm not talking about losing weight and the temptation of taco dip and chocolate cake.  I know this will  never really go away.  I feel like Frodo.  He was pierced by the Ring Wraith's sword.  Recovered, healed, yet always tormented and never left to be shallow again.

Side note:  If you don't like my candor, and find it rude, crass, depressing or inconsiderate...do not return to this blog.  This is not the norm, a post like this.  However, what a joke to presume I'm Suzy Frickin' Sunshine every moment of the week and I'm kinda done putting on airs so that people believe I have all my stuff together.  I don't and a month from now is when our Levi was due. 

In the secret place..

I haven't been inspired to blog this week.  I typically like to wait for something to strike my fancy to blog about.  I've been exhausted and having a mental health week. There truly do come times, though, when I wish I could just hibernate instead of training my mind and heart to toughen  up and let it roll off.  Building self-confidence is draining, tough work.  It is not work that anyone can do for you or me.  It is up to us, as individuals.  No man, no job, no BFF, no parent, no grandparent is going to have the cure-it-all potion to impart or to repair self-confidence.  My confidence is supposed to come from how my Maker sees me.  Psalm 139 - my favorite psalm since I was a kid - and the very one that I'm still grappling at grasping, 17 years later. 

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.
 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

And....as Forrest Gump would say, "That's all I've got to say about that." 

Husband's Birthday

To the one I love above all others, and let me know just this morning, he remembers eating the banana cream pie I made for him a few years ago for a birthday.  "It was interesting with meringue on it, but would be better with cream on it.", as I'm preparing to make it for his birthday treat, as he requested.  LOL  THAT is just the kind of man I married - never wanting to rock the boat, but waits for the perfect moment to teach me.  I remember being so proud of the meringue on that pie....it was my first time...I do not know what recipe I was following, but it must not have been a banana cream pie recipe!  LOL  There was discussion over Thanksgiving about this topic, but he was not as definitive as he was this morning.  He knows that I require being hit between the eyes with a padded 2x4.  =D 

To my handsome, strong, peaceful, slow to anger, comical, witty, leader among men, dear, tender, talented, steadfast, best man on the planet that I'm bound by love, commitment and dreams to:  You are the greatest.  May today, in every hour, be an hour that you feel the love of all those you touch.  You are Jacob's Hero and the man I made a "list" for and by the grace of God - got.  You make us so happy.  Happy Birthday Husband! 

Sore

*It's a downer folks, yet, I don't want to post only when I feel inspired. Keepin' it real, just sayin.  *

Yesterday afternoon, I grabbed my Canon PowerShot camera which hubby gave me for a wedding present.  You see, it broke the Saturday before Levi died.  I always took my preggo picture for facebook every Saturday, the end of whatever week pregnancy I was in.  That Saturday, I helped out with the preschool bake sale.  It was very cold that day and I called hubby and son to bring me a sweatshirt to Walmart.  They arrived with a sweatshirt.  Steve had the camera with him to take pictures of the underground tour of businesses, which he and Jacob were going to do, while I did the bake sale.  Our plan was to rendezvous after we were all done for some lunch and browsing the arts fair happening downtown.  Before Steve left, he snapped a shot of me, the proud mommy doing such a "mommy" thing for my kiddo that just keeps growing up so fast.  That afternoon, when we got home, I took a long nap.  I was losing our son at this point, but didn't know it.  The day before, my water broke, but we didn't know that's what that was either.  I kept leaking but the nurse said that I wasn't leaking enough to be alarming and they all agreed my urethra tilted, not uncommon in pregnancy, and I was leaking urine.  So, I carried on with my normal stuff.  I woke up from my nap and wanted Steve to take my weekly preggo picture.  Our camera would not work!  I was pissed.  Not an exaggeration....I was so frustrated and angry that I would have to use my cell phone for that shot and it wasn't as good of quality and how was I going to get the picture in the right photo folder on facebook?  All of these concerns, were very surfacy.  In my gut, I felt it was an omen, an outward sign of my dying baby.

This is the picture exiting 17 weeks, entering 18 weeks taken with my cell phone.

So, yesterday afternoon, I was excited to use my PowerShot to take before and after pictures of my face with Mary Kay products.  I start the camera up, and am excited to see what pictures I can now upload that I hadn't because the stupid thing hadn't been working for 3 1/2 months.  Arrowing back, I realize all the pictures are from that Saturday before Levi died. 

Instantly, physical pain grips my torso.  It's a pain, I've never known until we lost Levi.  I've spoke of it before, in my blog.  For the first 2 months It was constant.  Now, it just grabs me with a random thought or memory, all of them are triggers from the weekend it took to lose a baby and the hospital stay.  I woke up many times through the night with the pain.  It's like I want to wrap ace bandage upon ace bandage around my torso to stop my flesh and muscles and bones from unraveling.  This morning, the pain is dull.  All my muscles are terribly sore from how tight the pain was. 

I had a fun time that day, doing my mommy thing.  I was just exhausted when it was over. 

Mad skillz

Ok.  So, today is when Hubby and Son are back to their normal routines, which  really means I have allowed that to affect MY normal routine and not doing what I normally do every morning.  I haven't exercised, haven't been blogging, most importantly....I have not been bustin' a move daily.  Without a doubt, Ellen DeGeneres is onto something with the dancing on her show.  It is my favorite part of her show, when I get to watch.  Have you done this or tried this?  Just crank up the iPod and turn into a whirling dervish across the floors of your home?  I can do it with Jacob around. I feel child-like and love to see my kid with his mad dance skillz and hear him giggle at how his mama actually can move and has been a closet choreographer.....her whole life.  haha....I say that with sarcasm.  I can move and I've been a closet choreographer...only more styled for The Brady's.  ;) [jazz square right, arms up into a V] Point is, I haven't allowed myself to totally bare my soul, in that way, to my husband.  Why?  I don't know.  He "caught" me one time, years ago and I was mortified, I started bawling and freaking out hysterically.  He assured me I didn't need to be self-conscious about it.  Oh...I forgot to tell you the part where I was using the knife sharpener from our knives set, as a microphone and belting it out to Christina Aguilara "Fighter ".  See?  I've been a big dreamer for a looooonnnngggg time.  I have one friend, from my childhood that walked in on me pretending with my curling iron, in front of my mirror, while we were in high school.  You know who you are.  You needn't expound.  ;) 

....Back to today.  Today, I was transparently impatient for my guys to get out the door this morning.  I think, getting to dance and sing at the top of my lungs is an act of intimacy only for my spirit.  I fight feeling guilty about it, but I think it's the act of  building up my spirit. As I danced to Pink and Raise Your Glass - a pure flash came into my head..just a flash.  The detail, in that flash, was profound.  It was my Levi dancing in a cloth diaper with Pink's baby that she miscarried.  [whistle from high to low]  He was just dancing, nodding his head, giving Pink baby the kudos on his rockin' mom that wrote and delivered a song that he can watch his mama get free with.  I understand, I have a vivid imagination, but I'm not gonna defend it.  This flash happened.  It brought me comfort and joy this morning. 

I also feel like it's time to get equipped for doing something big.  Why not?  It has to be inspired though...it can't be drummed up and droned on.  Like my baking business, I taught myself all of that.  I took no training and I was inefficient.  I was inspired to do it, but it wasn't married with the real know-how that builds confidence.  I am inspired to do many things and now I'm learning at almost 34 the tenacity to see the training through.    All I can say is "Thank you God that I'm not waiting any later to learn discipline and stick-to-it-ive-ness!"  We are created IN HIS image.  I am born from a love that knows no bounds, with a purpose all my own, which the world needs.  So are you!  We are going to grasp this invisible, tangible truth this year!  Why the heck not!?

Every day

Here it is.  The new year.  A new week.  A new outlook.  A slate of new goals.  You know what I'm uplifted by?  There is now nothing, which I dread. I have a vision, in my mind's eye of what I've felt like and why I've kept so busy and accomplished projects and goals.  I'm running a race.  I just keep flying like the wind and jumping the hurdles.  The hurdles are just that, hurdles.  They are there to be a testimony of how hard I want to get to the finish line.  I will jump them.  They are nothing I have to "deal" with.  They're obstacles, but how hard are they if I just have to keep limber, in shape, focused and just keep jumping them?  If I fall down while jumping a hurdle, I don't wrestle it and tell it I'm gonna pummel it's ass.  If I'm running a race and jumping hurdles and trip, I don't turn around, pick it up over my head and throw it into the center of the track.  If I trip and fall, I get up, get momentum going and jump the next hurdle.  You know what I get to do now?  Pardon me if it sounds ridiculously obvious or cliche....Now...I get to enjoy and live and make the most of every day, to make it the greatest day I'm alive.  Why not?